Day Tripper, Night Killer--Together at Last!

Today's Movie Minute is NIGHTKILLER, a movie about a killer who does all his killings during the day, to keep you thinking. But, no, no, turn your brains off, dummies! This is a movie! And I'm from Canada!

But I'll kill during the day! Get it? Mwhaahh haa haa!

Having finished TROLL 2, our Italian movie-rapists decided to make TROLL 3, otherwise known as TROLL aka TROLL OF THE NIGHTKILLER TROLLEY?! That's right, they put a question mark and exclamation mark on their title, since English punctuation is difficult for them. But none of this interrobang crap!

The movie is about a married couple--a poor man's Linda Hamilton and a rich man's Steve Guttenberg--playing out a sick mind game of stupidity and acting. No one wins. Or loses, for that matter. It's pretty fucking pointless.

"I swear to God I'll do it! I'll finish this sandwich!"

The wife suffers from amnesia and poor life choices and an even worse agent. The husband wants to scare his wife back to some semblance of sexiness.

"Honey, honey, that's not how you do it. Just take the gun like so and then

 slide it in your mouth. See? Isn't that easier? Aw, aren't you cute when you're

mouthing my pistol, it reminds me of our honeymoon haw haw."

Meanwhile a deranged killer goes on a rampage after getting a nice discount at a Halloween store, since the director sent him there anyway, the cheap jerk.

 

"Hold still! And you want to be my latex salesman?"

As we find ourselves inexorably sliding into a coma of boredom, the movie insists on being sexy to keep our vital signs barely atwitch.

"Aaargh! I can't breathe in this mask! 

Wait, are you touching me? I CAN'T BREATHE."

It's a deadly game of Italian cat and Italian ice and Pizza, the Mexican mouse, with the husband and wife switching roles and sharing with the world their bedroom roleplay games dear god I wish I was dead.

"All right, all right, I'll wash my hands! And my penis! 

Because of the public health policy!"

It turns out the mask is evil... Oops, sorry. Spoiler Alert! I mean, Spoiler Grazie! Now you don't have to make that agonizing decision between TROLL 2 and AVATAR 2: THE BLUENENEEN. In fact, why are you still here?

"I said I wanted a mani not a pedi! 

Now you've ruined EVERYTHING!!"

In the end, we learn that Mommy's going to be okay in her Milan time share hospital and her little daughter will take over the legacy of directing movies that suck all the joy from your life as if there was any anyway did I blow myself...............?!

"Can I get you a grazie of Prego Pringles, Mom? I mean, Sarah Connor? 

Can I be excused? Wait, did that guy blow himself?!"

You know what? Maybe I was wrong about this whole interrobang business. In fact, I'm going to write a very necessary movie called "How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the GODDAMN Interrobang, the Sequel, the Ride."