The Retiring Sort

"Psst."

It was Todd. He motioned me over. He wanted to tell me something important on my last day.

"We have almost all dudes working here today."

"It's raining men," I said, semi-wittily.

"So what do you say we leave the toilet seat up in the staff bathroom? I mean, imagine. You can piss without having to pick up the seat and then set it down again."

"Good God, you're right. That should save me two, three seconds out of my day. More time to listen to Stephanie Braker talk about her goddamn People magazines."

"Okay. Great. I'ma tell the others."

"No," I said. "And that's an order. My last order as Ruby Creek Brigadier General. Besides, Hilarity is here today. She might fall in and break her coccyx."

"That's a risk I think we might, nay, should take."

She jingled past, cast us an oblique glance. "What are you two whispering about?"

"The coccyx," I said, masterfully saving the situation. "Yours, specifically."

"What?"

"I mean, how interesting it is. A really criminally underrated part of our anatomy."

Hilarity narrowed her eyes. "People rate anatomy?"

"Kim Khardasian's? Her coccyx is top shelf."

Hilarity went off, confused.

Todd muttered, "Pussy. You're an LDC."

"What?"

"A Last Day Coward."

"I've been called worse." I thought a moment. "No, actually, I haven't."

"I know what I'm doing after I retire," Todd said. "I'm getting dick surgery."

"Isn't it big enough already?"

"No, you ding-dong. For my, you know, aspergillum problem. Pee shootin' everywhere."

"Right. Right. I guess I won't get any piercings down there, even though I could. I mean, who will stop me. You?"

"I would, actually. Don't do it."

Lara came over. She was our IT person. Frowning, she informed me that my network password and email account would be "nuked" one minute after five o'clock when my shift ended.

"IT humor," I said, laughing like a deflated tire. "Gotta love it."

"Humor?"

Farley came over. She was our security person. Frowning, she informed me that I would need to hand over my key and badge the moment I left the building.

"Heh," I said.

Then she went to the bathroom. After falling in, she ate a sandwich over the toilet and then flushed ten times.

"I'm going to miss her."

Cindy Scone came over.

"I heard you're retiring?" she said, Mia Farrow-esque cheekbones under her twee bowler hat and freak ghoul hair. "Is it true?"

"Yes," I said.

She turned to Lara. "I'm Cindy. I have a piece of my boyfriend's skull in my purse. Just so you know. And so you won't make me take out my library card or ID."

"I'm not the new clerk, ma'am," Lara said.

"It's hard on my fingers."

Cindy held up her bony, gnarled, knobby fingers, bent and crabbed from furiously scratching at her dusty cleft as she thought about her lover's skull, probably.

"Okay, all right, that does it," Chambers said. "We're finished here. I'm bringing you up on charges. First dick surgery, now *choke* Cindy Scone's fingers. No. No. That's it. Take your certificate and get the hell out."

"But... but..."

"GET OUT!" 

"Our transaction has been proper and professional.

 Good luck in the coming fiscal year."

"Can I post some random photos of my retirement party first?"

Chambers thought a moment. "No."

"Okay, who ate all the baba ganoush?!"

"Heh heh, can't wait to write about all these nice people! I'll show them!"

"I'm fun. No, seriously. FUN."

Farley escorted me to the door. But first Todd wanted me to see something in the restroom.

"Uh, you want me to go into the staff restroom with you?"

"Yes." Todd grinned beardily. "Come on. I've got something for you."

"Er, I don't know. Ah, uh, I better-- Chambers? Where did he go?"

Todd shoved me into the bathroom. There, on the toilet, with a hemp ribbon on the upright seat, was a post-consumer organic card that said THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES YOU SLUT

I cried a silent tear.

"All these fireworks are about me, right? RIGHT"

Next Month: My new job as a Toyota salesman! Wish me luck!