Suburban Sasquatch is Here.... Now

People have been asking me what I've been doing in my retirement. And the answer is: none of your GODDAMN BUSINESS. I mean, oh, I don't know. This and that. Clipping coupons. Watching my stories. Also, drinking blood from the severed leg of some guy I just murdered... while wearing a bear costume? Yeah, that sounds about right.

"Glug, glug, retirement is awesome!"

Also also, I've been watching movies about man's inhumanity to sasquatches.

Number Three from Slipknot?

In Today's Movie Minute, we examine the question of whether a Sasquatch would enjoy life in the suburbs. As in, what schools would he send his kids to? Would he mow his lawn or just stomp down the grass? And would he worry about keeping up with the Von Draculas down the block?

Actually, none of these--or any--questions are explored. Instead we get a furry running around karate chopping insurance salesmen.

"Take that, suburbanite! Hyeeeaaaah!"

Or he's very softly punching the lady who bakes cookies for the PTA.

"Noooo! Helllp! Noooo-ooo! And scene."

Or he's feeding the youth soccer coach his own innards ha ha.

"Aarrggh! I don't eat red meat! My own!"

Luckily, absurdly-dressed law enforcement officials are on the job. They want to make sure this movie never sees the light of day-for-night.

"Hey, aren't you that guy from Papa Roach?

You really look like him!"

"Yeah. Looks like."

So is the Sasquatch a force for good? You know, fighting the good fight against the suburbs and the encroachment of beautiful nature by evil man? Or is the Sasquatch an evil creature that goes around bleeding on people? Someone help me.

"Errggghhhwwaahh. And me without my Kotex!"

Since we have decided that the Sasquatch is bad, we throw a net on it and then shoot the shit out of it. 'RAY FOR HUMANITY!!

"This is what your net is worth! Get it?

Wait, do Sasquatches get jokes?"

But this sassy Sasquatch gets its revenge on a cop car advertisement.

"And now to gently set this back on the street. Heh heh. That'll show 'em."

Most importantly of all, does the Sasquatch give the ruckus to the ladies? Does he, you know, have the goods down south? I mean, he has big feet so shouldn't he also have...?

"Wait, I see it! And his cock, too!"

Maybe I didn't see that right. What are the fans saying?

"That's a quality Sasquatch. Does your yard sale accept

two-party out-of-state post-dated traveler's checks?"

Right. What did I think Sasquatch meant?

Money plane.