The Final Countdown

An elderly lady approached the circulation desk. She looked at me.

"Who's on your mask?"

"Oh, just a director of bad films," I said.

The lady narrowed her eyes. "You mean bad? Or naughty?"

"Definitely naughty. I've squirted so much sperm to his films, you know, just gallons and gallons, that I thought I would put him on my mask to honor him for all the hours I've spent squirting sperm all over the place, squirting and squirting my sperms. Yeah. Naughty. Anyway, you wanted a library card?"

"Psst," Todd hissed. "Purple."

"What?"

"Purple. Use the purple card!"

"Oh, right." I went through the drawer, and then looked around at Todd in a panic. "We're out of purple cards."

"Then, greeeen," Todd hissed. "Green, my preciousssss."

"Okay. Five green cards left. Let the countdown begin." I made the lady a card. "There you go. One green card, straight from Mount Doom. Enjoy it, ma'am."

"You have an awful mask," the woman said.

"Yes, ma'am. It is awful. I am awful."

"And you need to cut your hair."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Ladies? Who wants to date a douche?"

(Ignore the skull crease. My pigtail is TIGHT.)

Chambers came over to my desk. He checked his script. "So you want me to pretend I didn't know you're retiring?"

"Yes, could you?"

"So you're retiring."

"Yes, indeed I am! Thanks for asking."

"I didn't--"

"I'm retiring because I was promoted from Latin Tutor to Executive Assistant. Pat needs someone to manage his finances, so Pat's Dad took a break from tightly gathering his pigtail to hire me as Pat's E.A. or P.R. or I.B.S. Now I just need to get me some suspenders. And a book that defines Executive Assistant. Do you know how to be an Executive Assistant?"

"Include me out of this." Chambers made someone a library card.

"Pat's Dad also wanted to settle how much to pay me," I went on to no one. "I said just pay me the same rate as what they pay me already for being Latin Tutor, Excelsior. But Pat's Dad gave me a narrow, calculating look right out of Bleak House and said, 'well, you bring experience and knowledge to your Latin lessons, but for doing just clerical work for Pat, then you should get paid less, like a groat's worth of quahogs twice a year.' End quote. I came with a counter-offer of cheesy weiners, and we inked the deal last night and..."

Chambers sighed. "Are you going to be like this at your retirement party?"

I stood. "I resign today as president of the circulation department."

"They now know my crimes."

I was about to jam a gun to my neck fat when a commotion erupted from the back workroom. Chambers and I went to see what the kerfuffle was.

"Are we all under pressure to operate in a deceiving way?" I said.

Todd bellowed. "YEEEEAAAGGGHHHH!!"

Someone had lit up a fat Jamaican, the pungent smoke setting off the fire sprinklers. Todd was flash dancing in the water.

"WHOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!"

"Is this corrupt? What's going on?"

"We made the FINAL green library card!" Todd screamed. "They're all gone!!"

"Oh. I thought maybe you were thrilled that the pandemic was over, or that we don't have to wear Neil Breen masks anymore."

"What? Oh, yeah, that too." Todd was a wet sprocket, beard dripping.

Meanwhile Hilarity was weeping. She had just finished weaving a new super-mask in triplicate, and now a government official with a clipboard was going around tearing down the signs about not coughing on the elevator button. The pandemic was over HIP HIP BREEN-RAY!!

"Isn't this betraying the people's trust?" Hilarity sobbed.

I shrugged. "Ehn."

Also meanwhile Mom is selling her home. And I think I've found her the perfect real estate agent, one who has ALL the medals!