"Practice your troll face," she said.
"Pardon?"
"Come on, dance, troll boy," Justkidding roared.
I wrinkled my face around my monocle, straining my jowls and spraining my dewlap.
"How's that?" I said trollily.
"You are a trash person," Justkidding snapped, growling the last syllable of person. (Can you hear it?) "Ugh. I've still got the hucky tuck because of my trash husband. Just kidding. I need to go to the gym because I'm a fat fat water rat. Just kidding. People around here don't understand how famous I am. I'm in Westword, The Denverite, the Penny Saver AND The Thrifty Nickel. And now after I make my movie, I'll be out of this dump! Here--!"
She slapped the screenplay before me. She had written it the night before, and it came to two pages--or, in Hollywood terms, two extremely long minutes. I told her a movie that long would cost two million dollars. Give or take. Mostly take.
"Shut up," Justkidding explained.
Just then Jonah came by.
"JONAH!!" Justkidding screeched politely. "Want to be in my movie?"
"Absolutely not."
"Oh, come on!"
She wrestled both of us into chairs, clipped our eyelids, and made us read the screenplay, which went thusly:
ARIAL [sic] SHOT of LIBRARY
White Person comes up to Black Librarian.
W.P.
Prithee, where are your cookbooks, fair lady?
B.L.
(disinterested, not rude, but not caring either)
Over there. (Points.)
Then a Black Man comes up to Black Librarian.
B.M.
["Uh," I interjected, "I think Freud might have something to say about your initials..."
"Just keep reading, dummy!" shouted J.K.]
Yo, sexy mama, where be your cook books 'n' shit?
B.L.
(flutters)
Oooh, what kind of cuisine are you thinking about? Tee hee. Let me take you to the section. Oooh! Giggle.
["Wait," Jonah said, his eyes bleeding. "Are you saying the word giggle? Or are you giggling? Also, these clips are starting to hurt."
"Just keep reading," rejoined J.K. in a nasally whine.]
Black Librarian helps Black Man in the cookbook section. They laugh and have a good time, and she give him EXAMPLARY [sic] GOOD SERVICE.
The manager and the lead clerk, a CROTCHEDY TROLL, scowl in the distance. The manager tells the Black Librarian to get back to work. The TROLL wrinkles up his troll face. They don't appreciate the Black Librarian at all. AT ALL.
THE END
"You forgot to put a question mark at the end," I said. "It's the best accepted practice, according to Syd Field."
"What did you think, Jonah?"
Jonah wiped his face and grunted. "Your story is, in Hegelian terms, the negation of the negation."
"Great!" Justkidding yelled. "So will you be in my movie now??"
Jonah wiped his face and grunted. "Your story is, in Hegelian terms, the negation of the negation."
"Great!" Justkidding yelled. "So will you be in my movie now??"
Jonah shook his head. "I'll only do it if I can be the B.M."
"Careful," I said.
Just then Donovan came over. He had the latest gossip about a custodian at a different library. It turns out that he got fired for getting a blowie behind a taco wagon during work hours.
"That's it!" I ejaculated. "There's your movie, Justkidding. Write about some guy getting... Hey, where'd she go?"
"Well done," Jonah said.
Justron came over. "What's going on?"
"Where to begin...??"
We were breaking up into discussion groups about the Christ imagery in Justkidding's screenplay when a customer(!) came up to the desk.
"Can I get some help, please?"
We all laughed, except Justron.
"What's funny?" he said, gently confused. "And why am I in this blog?"
"You'll find out when you're older," I said, slapping him on the back. "Come on, let's go get a bite to eat."
Filled with hilarity, we all left. On my way out I pointed vaguely in the direction of the stacks. "The cookbooks are in the, uh, five hundreds," I said to the customer.
"What? No, I don't want a cookbook. Wait!... Hello?"
Just then Donovan came over. He had the latest gossip about a custodian at a different library. It turns out that he got fired for getting a blowie behind a taco wagon during work hours.
"That's it!" I ejaculated. "There's your movie, Justkidding. Write about some guy getting... Hey, where'd she go?"
"Well done," Jonah said.
Justron came over. "What's going on?"
"Where to begin...??"
We were breaking up into discussion groups about the Christ imagery in Justkidding's screenplay when a customer(!) came up to the desk.
"Can I get some help, please?"
We all laughed, except Justron.
"What's funny?" he said, gently confused. "And why am I in this blog?"
"You'll find out when you're older," I said, slapping him on the back. "Come on, let's go get a bite to eat."
Filled with hilarity, we all left. On my way out I pointed vaguely in the direction of the stacks. "The cookbooks are in the, uh, five hundreds," I said to the customer.
"What? No, I don't want a cookbook. Wait!... Hello?"
No comments:
Post a Comment