Here's the place where I'm staying. It's called "Ua Mau Ke Ea O Ka Aina I Ka Pono," or "Ua Mau Ke Ea O Ka Aina," for short.
For breakfast I had to clamber up this tree to get my waffles. I died halfway up.
Here's a view outside my window before the tsunami hit, ha ha.
These rocks need Neutrogena!!
Okay, enough of the ha ha with the pictures. Time for a long, long block of text that will make you sigh like a raped accordion. The Sheraton in Kona is a great hotel. Great food and even better carpet. But the best thing of all? It makes you feel young again! The median age is at least 106! I'd get off everyone's lawn if I only knew which lawn they wanted me off. On my first night here I thought I'd take a sprightly jaunt to a nearby eatery. Turns out Hawaii is super dark at night, due to the lack of light (or so it was explained, slowly, to me). The concierge helpfully gave me a flashlight, which succeeded only in illuminating my pants. As I stumbled about in the thick tropical obscurity, I realized I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere. Some guy was hosing down his boat. Others were being hosed because they didn't use the lotion in the basket. I was scared, walking up and down with my feeble light. Finally a car slowed next to me. "Aloha!" the white-bearded driver said. "Huh? I'm sorry, I don't speak the lingo!" "Aloha means, Need a lift?" he said. I admitted I was lost, and he told me to hop in. Since he was offering candy, I thought why not? As he proceeded to drive me in the correct direction, we engaged in some polite conversation. When I said I was from Denver, he was astounded. "Why, I moved there in 1945!" he said whistling through his gums. I was then similarly astounded. Had I stumbled into Cocoon? He dropped me at my destination, where I was served a sandwich and a roach. The roach scurried off the server's arm (?) and ran across my table. I jumped up and chased it around until I smashed it repeatedly with my Bukowski (he would have approved). I looked up and an elderly couple at a booth stared at me. I must have seemed excessively spry. The next day I went for a swim on the beach--the beach being a ten yard segment of cigarette-butt and rock-filled sand. In the changing room, an elderly gent came in and started to undress. The guy was very old and had very white long hair. He looked like Neptune mixed with some grease...
He had quite the dong, which I stared at for only five and a half minutes. Then I ran out to the beach, screaming "COWABUNGIO!!" and I swam for about four and a half minutes. After an interminable trolley ride through downtown Kona, I was back at my hotel. There I was faced with the beautiful view from my balcony...
"Hmm," I thought. "Should I fling myself off? Or continue with this vacation?"
FIND OUT NEXT WEEK!!