Friday, March 17, 2017

Hawaii Five-One

Once I was admitted to the ranks of Hero Squad, I did only what was natural. Pose like a jackass!

"What's that over there? Is that a bird? I MUST KILL IT"

We take up our narrative, after deciding not to fling myself off the balcony lol, with Scott coming to pick me up in his Volcano Van. Scott was a rather hyperactive fellow with a soul patch and a deadly need to say the words "rift zone" twenty times an hour.

After we saw the rift zone, we went to Hawaii's nicest beach...

"Damnit, is that another bird??"

Nothing like black sand to make you want to throw off the fetters of "clothing" and curl your toes in the hot volcanic dust! (Not pictured.)

We then went to the second-nicest beach in Hawaii, where I was inspired to do some light yodeling. I learned that the sharp rocks are great for diving off or on to. (Paramedics standing by.)

"The human male enjoys touching his hips. 
It might be a mating call, scientists aren't sure..."

Then we explored the jungles and Hawaii's biggest waterfall, gushing more cubic tons of water than all the oceans combined (or so Scott said, I wasn't really listening). Watching it was not helping my urination pain...

"I'd like to see the Casa Bonita guy do a dive off this! Amirite, Scott?!"

I bid adieu to Scott, and then hopped on a whaler. Once we were out in the open ocean, I anxiously took out my phone so I could shoot pictures of people taking pictures. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

"Thank God I can't see anything out on the water. 
(That guy has a really neat forearm. Maybe I'll tell him...?)

At last I got off my hero ass and went to the rail in order to catch the action now.

"That guy is wearing a pretty sweet wristwatch.
 Oh, and there's some sort of sea dragon out there (yawn)..."

Back at my hotel they were giving lessons on how to play the ukelele. I rushed past--only to do a pratfall into the hula dancers.

"Listen up, everyone! There's not a ukelele visible in 
this picture, so we'll just have to take my word for it!"

A gala time was had by all. And by all, I mean me. Now I have the Hawaiian plague, otherwise known as Hamekemahulkuaha-le's revenge.

Arrivederci, Hawaii!

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