The bar bar is set low for this, so while it was excruciatingly boring and criminally fetid, at least it was better than a punch to the wookiee. (Sorry, that's the best I can do, Chewy.)
We begin our epic space yawn with a plucky lass...
"This seems familiar. Wait, am I... Ally Sheedy??"
"Dear God, please give me a cleft chin. It is very sexy."
She teams up with Matthew Broderick and together they fight for justice in the galaxy and an equitable tariff system for all.
Doing the hatin' is a poncy British fellow with a detergent quandary.
"But does Tide really get imperial whites their whitest?"
He wants to stop those meddlin' kids from stealing his plans for a weapon so incredible it's never been seen before in movies. (Sigh.)
"Seriously, do I rinse in cold water, and then tumble dry, or...?"
One of the good guys is a jive talkin' sassy robot. That writer on The Simpsons finally realized his dreams! Way to go, cartoon character from 1992!
"That Chinese guy over there is, like, ah so, me likey the flied lice! HA HA"
(Programmed by Don Rickles.)
Another one of the bad guys, I mean, good guys... eyes getting heavy, droopy... Uh, um... a rice a roni master with feet as fast as lightnin'... mmm, wontons...
"I SAID, no tikee no laundry!!"
("Don! Would you get out of here?!")
They all meet up with Morgan Freeman, who sonorously commands them all not to eat shellfish on Sabbat and make sure to throw rocks at each other... Not sure about this part of the movie since I took a crap. I was back in fifteen minutes.
"Did you kill Don Rickles yet? He is an abomination, you know."
I found my seat again to see that there was all sorts of rooty tooty action going on. Apparently, people were not allowed to validate their parking and, boy, nothing makes rebel folk yell angrier than that.
"Whoa, whoa, buddy! Have you taken the safety course yet on that bandsaw? And no, we don't need another pipe made..." (Woodshop joke! Winner!)
Stormtroopers show up to bring some normalcy and decency to the proceedings, but it turns out all you have to do is throw a cuticle in their general direction and they die real dead like.
"Lookit! I'm the marshal of the parade WHEEE-- Aaargh!"
Our stupid, er, intrepid heroes go in drag to infiltrate the imperial laundro-mat and learn a lot about whites and coloreds.
"Heh, and that French guy is, like, I wan' a croissant! YAH?"
At the end, everyone forcefully and determinedly walks out of the theater. Here's a picture to demonstrate that phenomenon.
"Nope. No. Just no. I'm done."
Anyway, this movie really cleared me out good. Thank you to today's sponsor!
Seriously, people. Ask your pharmacist. Can't you feel your
bowels swelling up something fierce?