The Library: Killing Joy One Day at a Time

A message came in from downtown security. We were to keep our eye out for any suspicious activity. There was an ad that morning posted on Craigslist. It said:

DADDY LOOKING FOR COCK TO SUCK, 

3 and MILWAUKEE LIBRARY

Apparently it was someone's job in security to cruise the personal ads on Craigslist and then deem them too sexy. Your tax money = at work. Carol printed out the bulletin and gave everyone a copy. She wanted us all to be on the alert for cock sucking. There was going to be some cock sucking, and she wanted us to know about it. The cock sucking.

"EVERYONE, BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR COCK SUCKING!" she bellowed. "EVERYBODY! LISTEN TO ME FOR A MINUTE! LOOK OUT FOR SOME MAJOR COCK SUCKING!"

Standing by his shelving cart, Tony took off his headphones and stared in wonderment at the printout. Carol ran over to me and shook the bulletin in my face.

"Greg! Did you see this? We got a notice from downtown. Someone on Craigslist wants to use our basement bathroom like it's a bordello!"

"Huh?"

"There's someone coming today who wants to suck cock, it's in this security notice! COCK SUCKING!!!"

"Cock sucking. Okay. Got it."

A little while later, a customer came in. A man. Long sideburns. Wore jeans. Winked in my direction. Or it was a nervous tic.

Then he took the elevator down to the basement. I tried to remember if the Pipefitters Union was having a meeting down there...?

I went back to the office. "Carol, I just saw a... Never mind."

"What? What??"

"Nothing."

Meanwhile, just like an episode of Hill Street Blues, another crisis exploded. Tyrone our custodian pushed past me into the office and complained that someone was pissing out by the entrance.

"But is there cock sucking? No? Whew."

Carol and I marched out front with Ty. The perp, an overweight black woman, had been sleeping on the handicapped ramp. She had luggage and a bedroll, and she was slinking away as Ty righteously sprayed down the concrete. Later, the woman was spotted inside the library. Carol asked me to come with her as we had to have a talk with the woman.

"Do I have to?" I said.

"Yes! Come on."

"Ugh."

We had her come into one of the conference rooms. Carol gave the woman some printouts about homeless shelters and social workers and cock sucki--

"Ooops, I don't how that got in there!"

The woman apologized, saying she'd had a rough night and promised not to sleep there again. Or piss. But then an hour later she was back sleeping on the ramp. Carol decided to call the police. Tony heard about her plan and was incensed. He ran outside and crouched beside the woman who was sprawled across her sleeping bag and engaged her in a Hegelian dialogue. When the officer showed up, Tony stood by as Carol explained why she had called. Tony interjected and said he thought Carol was being racist, since white people slept in the library all the time and the cops were never called. Carol resented being called a racist, and then the homeless woman joined in, yelling that the cop was oppressing her. Soon everyone was yelling at everyone. It was too much for me. I started to edge away...

Carol spotted me. "Hey! Where are you going?"

"Basement," I said as I headed down the stairs. "Need to work off some stress."