Friday, March 6, 2015
Twice the Blog Post, Half the Fun!
Pat was not in a good mood. He held a small whiteboard on his lap.
"I have gender dysphoria," he said.
"But your new dog...?"
"I love Rube Goldberg, but I was at jujitsu the other day and my prosthetic fell out."
"Uh...... Your prosthetic?"
"It was so humiliating. You see, when you do Nogi wrestling you have to wear a traditional costume that's loose around the *duck call*. The instructor said I should be wrestling the other girls. Anyone can see by my wrist size that I'm not fooling anyone, but I want to wrestle the guys."
"But they'll think it's weird if it's all, you know, nothing down there. So I have this prosthetic I wear. But there's no way you can keep it on securely. And when you wrestle, it just... falls out."
"That must distract your opponent, at least."
"They say in the instructions that you're supposed to glue it on. But glue it to what??"
"To your unmoved mover?"
Pat stared at me.
"Right," I said. "So maybe we can get back to our lesson. Aristotle was the first to systematize logic and use it to win arguments against his mother, and..."
But Pat shook his head. There was muttering in the next room. He started writing on his board. He turned it around and held it up to me.
MY MOM IS CRAZY. SHE'S JEALOUS OF RUBE!!!
"Yes, well...." I fiddled with papers. "Now, the syllogism..."
YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!!!
"Ah, I better get going. Be sure to read pages 130 through 1160 of the Metaphysics..."
MOM WANTS TO HIT ON YOU!!! SHE THINKS YOU'RE SEXY!!!
I ran off to.....
MOM: Can you get that cobweb?
Mom was sitting slumped in her chair, staring up at the wall. I got the broom and waved it at the ceiling.
ME: I think it might be a load-bearing cobweb.
MOM: It's over there. Can you reach it?"
ME: Nope. That's a crack, actually. Just a sign that the whole house is falling apart.
MOM: (slouching) Just like me. (sighing) Just like me. (suppurating) Just. Like. Me.
ME: Well, I better get--
MOM: Oh, don't go! Do you have that vacuum I gave you? I hate to be an Indian giver, but...
ME: The term is Jew giver, Mom. Get it right. And, no, I don't have that vacuum anymore. I, ah, gave it to charity (dumpster).
MOM: That's typical! Oh, that's typical! I can't believe you threw away that nice vacuum I gave you and now want back.
ME: I'll buy you a new one.
MOM: No, no! Please, don't!
ME: You know, Mom, things could be worse.
MOM: I doubt that very much.
ME: Have you ever done Nogi wrestling when your prosthetic fell out?
ME: Ha! I win!
I knew Aristotle would come in handy someday!