Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Fender Blender

Post-colonialism is alive and well in BLENDED, the new Adam Sandler biopic. Also alive and well is the phrase "alive and well." Why can't we have "alive and coughing blood" as the new phrase?

"Heyyyy, don't I know you from somewhere?"

Our Homeric epic begins with Drew Barrymore going on a blind date with Adam Sandler at Hooters.

"We hate each other, and yet we love each other.
Won't someone make it stop!!!"

Thinking about Sandler's naked stomach brings predictable results. COMEDY, folks. COMEDY.

"I should have passed on the Shmegma Soup."

In order to distract us from the fact that movie has no reason for existing, they go to Africa, the land of happy negroes.

"I'm from Jamaica, mon! Why am I in Africa?!"

They watch rhinos fornicate. Who knew they sprayed that much?

"Remember, children: LOVE IS GROSS."

Sandler is having fun making the film, so ipso farto, the viewer is having fun too!

"Imagine you're doing this at home, folks. Imagine it! Whooo!"

Meanwhile he has a daughter who likes to give herself titty twisters in front of the bathroom mirror. Teenagers are a handful, amirite?

"I just want to watch, honey. What's the big dealio?"

Tampons are purchased. Jokes are made. Checks are collected.

"That's my winning formula, folks!"

In the end, the two crazy kids we were rooting for all along wind up in bed. The horror. The horror.

"Don't forget to smell my balls later."

While this was utterly putrid, at least they drafted good players... er, actors.

"Watch out for the Shaq... uh.... aw fuckit."

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