Tuesday, November 25, 2014

The Adshitment Bureau

Have you ever been in love, but men in fedoras keep trying to break you two crazy kids up? Also, have you ever had spiders crawl all over your face and THEY JUST WON'T COME OFF NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU CLAW CLAW CLAW?

Well... er... you're in luck! Because today's Movie Minute is a time-waster that will adjust your bureau. And fix your armoire. And throw away your chafing dish.

"These Brooks Brothers suits are awesome for running the streets with!"

Our tale begins with Matt Damon playing a young feller who energizes the polity and almost wins high office before his ass appears on TMZ. Ha ha, keep hacking the kernel, boys!

"Vote for me and there will be abortions for all!"

It turns out that his hackneyed West-Wing-cutting-floor life is being closely monitored by The Man, who happens to be The Men, who in turn are The Men with Fedoras, a rightfully obscure band from the eighties.

 "I swear to God if I have to go over this
dance routine one more time I'm going to scream."

Damon has a meet-cute with Emily Blunt when they find out they're both on Friendster.

"See? Press 'Add' and we'll be friend... sters!" 
"Yahoo! I mean, Friendster!"

The movie explores the idea of how God has a plan for all of us. And that plan consists of taking the M6 and getting a transfer for the 51 before the 9 arrives. True fact: God is very boring.

"Crosstown is an extra transfer. Don't make us tell you again."

Damon decides that bumping bacons with a pretty girl is more important than being president. He's apparently never researched the presidency of Clinton. Or JFK. Or Harding. (They didn't call him Softing, folks.)

"Are my eyes more moony or dreamy? ANSWER ME DAMNIT"

The Bureau sits Damon down and explains that they made the Roman Empire and the Renaissance happen, but they refuse to take the blame for Yoko Ono.

"Well? Are you going to go potty or not? (It's part of your training.)"

In the end, Damon must choose between love and power. He chooses love, because he's idiot.

"You're right, the M42 is faster in rush hour, but the 32 has less smell."

Remember to vote this Thursday, people!

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