Friday, November 28, 2014

Thanksgiving Angelology

"Mom, you have a Tender Vittles on your sweater..."

But Mom was too busy going on about angels. Mainly the angel who gave us a free dinner at Brio's the night before.

"It was a miracle, really. And we'll never forget it. That man was just an angel. Our bill was two hundred dollars--"

"...And forty."

"And he just gave the dinner to us for free! He was an angel, I'm certain of it."

"Work your core, my children."

Because Chris and Cinira had just gotten married (motto: "Twice as Nice!"), and it was my birthday (motto: "Kiss Me, O Death"), the manager of the restaurant comped our expensive dinner. Thereby proving his supernatural origin.

"I believe in angels. They are all around us. That man was an angel. I'm convinced of it."

"And are there demons too?"

"I don't know. There might be."

"I say that because bad things happen too. What if the manager accused us of eating too much pasta and demanded we wash his car? And his car was really big, like a Hummer? And we had to clean it with tiny toothbrushes? Would that make him a demon?"

"He was an angel."

"Yes, but what about when a child is molested? Do the angels just stand around and watch and shrug?"

"We can't ask that question."

"Okay. And did an angel leave that Tender Vittle on your... Mom, it's right there. Just..."

"Your brother getting married again made me think of when I had to get my marriage license. We had to get a blood test first."

"A blood test. Why?"

"I don't know. We didn't question it in those days."

"Maybe it was for racial purity?"

"It might have been for STDs. I'm not sure."

"Mom, that Tender Vittle, if you--"

"And my toilet got backed up. Do you know how hard it is to find a plumber on the day before Thanksgiving?"

"What was wrong with your toilet?"

"I don't know. But the guy came over and he about charged me an arm and a leg to snake it out. It think it might have been from the wipes. They say they're dissolvable, but maybe I put too many down there."

"Ah. So are you still going to...?"

"No, I put the wipes in the trash now. Oh, don't make that face! It's perfectly fine. I used to do that for Medora. You just tie up the bag. And by the way, can you get the bag and throw it out before we go?"

"Can't the angels do it?"


"God works in mysterious ways. Or, in this case, doesn't."

The bag was dripping as I lugged it out to the alley. But at least when I got back that Tender Vittle was gone. It was a Thanksgiving miracle!

(The angels forsooked us for Thanksgiving: we had to pay the bill, the WHOLE thing! What a rip off. Oh well: another Thanksgiving down the wipe-clogged toilet of time.....)

No comments:

Post a Comment