Friday, November 7, 2014

IMS (Imminent Madness Syndrome)

Mom got in my new car. The dash kept ringing. It would Ding. Ding. Ding. and then stop. And then start up again. Ding. Ding. Ding.

"Mom, you need to put on your seat belt."

"Of course. This is your father's car."


Ding. Ding. Ding.

"Mom! Just put it on."

Mom started to struggle, grimacing and panting, contorting herself about as she wrestled with the strap.

"It won't go in!"

"Mom, just reach around and..."

"It won't! This stupid thing. It's too hard..."

Mom couldn't find the lock clicker. Her hands fumbled, bumbled. I wrestled with it, both of us contorting around to grab and snap it in. Mom's hand slipped and punched the steering wheel. HONK, and the car jolted to the left.

"Mom! Wait, wait, get your foot off.... Wait! Okay, just... Lean back, and--!"

Ding. Ding. Ding.

"Oh, this is your father... your father..." she panted. "Should that be blue like that?"

Mom finally got the belt locked in.

"So I suppose you'll be getting some money soon?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Oil? Your father...?"

"Ah. Mm. Ahhhh. Errhm. Uhh. *cough, cough* What was the question?"

"MONEY? Are you getting any?"

"Oh, money! I thought you said honey. Yes. I got a little. You know."

"A little."

"Yes. Not much. Though I've been on E-Bay a lot lately. Did you know there are people out there who actually sell collectible Lando Calrissian plates? Who would be so crazy....?"

"I hope you're not being foolish with your money."

"Well, I didn't buy all of them. Some people just wouldn't sell theirs. But I'll get those bastards. I'll get them."

"Oh! You turned the wrong way! Perkins is back that way! Are you having a stroke?!?"

"Yes, Mom. I'm having a stroke."

Finally, we stopped at the Rest Home. I smiled.

"What's this? Are you finally going to get rid of your old mother?"

"No, actually, it's for me."


"I figured it out. A rest home is perfect. So peaceful, so quiet. Did you know you get unlimited cheese sandwiches at lunch time? And the friends I'll be making! Yes, just quiet and rest for me. And my Lando Calrissian plates..."

Coff. Coff. Coff.

Ding. Ding. Ding.


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