Friday, September 26, 2014

Age Is Just a Number that Determines Everything About You and Will Dominate Your Soul Until You Die

Ever feel like all the men your age are dating women half your age? OK, maybe not half your age, but you get the idea. What makes men attracted to women a decade or more younger than themselves? Is it just about looks and our youth-centric culture? Well, that's part of it. But you might be surprised to learn the real reasons that go way beyond vaginal tightness.

It's all about the law of averages as you get older
"When you reach your mid-40s, your BMs start to feel really weird. I mean, I sit on the toilet and the stuff kind of... I don't know... wiggles out. Sometimes I'll shake my butt to get a turd that's hanging on a hair to drop off and then when you hear that plop in the water it's really a satisfying feeling for sure. I try to stay away from dairy as it gives me bloating and diarrhea and my stomach makes these loud gurgling noises like a small child is trapped inside my guts. But, sure, I like dating younger chicks. Do you know any?"
— Christopher, 49, Chicago, IL

Their carefree attitudes make younger women more appealing
"I'd say the allure is that younger women haven't heard all my bullshit lines like 'Hey, mama, call Einstein because Uranus is about to get a drillin',' or 'Better call the cemetery police because I'm about to bury my dick in your ass!' And stuff like that. What? No, it never works. I suppose you have something better?"
— Larry, 35, Edison, NJ

They let me embrace my inner goofball on dates
"Honestly, younger women love it when I roll my belly and make duck noises on dates. The older broads want me to be fuckin' Shakespeare when I just want to crack wise about boogers."
— Marlon, 39, Atlanta, GA

Fewer years of dating equals less emotional baggage to carry
"The appealing thing about younger women is that cute look in their eyes when they believe everything you say. Your wife? Just some old lady who does your laundry. Your other girlfriend? Some chick who's stalking you. That guy you see at the bus station? He's just some guy I let blow me at the bus station. I mean, they'll believe anything! The other day I went on a meth bender and I smashed up her apartment and wrote PRINCE CHARLES REPTILE LORD in black paint all over her walls and she just smiled because what does she know? I mean, she's kind of retarded."
— Alan, 46, New York, NY

Dating without an agenda means having more fun together
"What makes a younger woman a good catch? She's not itching to have a ring on her finger. Though I've developed an itch around my cock ring. Should I have that checked out?"
— Roger, 35, New York, NY

The ego boost helps me maintain my health and vitality
"When a guy reaches a certain age, he worries he will see his youth and vitality wane. A younger woman reaffirms for me that I've still got it going on. Also, I can help her with her fractions."
— Mike, 91, Orlando, FL

Impressing a younger date is easier
"God, isn't it great? I can juggle two balls. She just stares at me like I'm a god, a fucking god. Then I'll play ‘cruise director’ — i.e., show her all the secret favorite places she probably hasn't experienced yet, like her butt. Women like it when you have a plan and it's well-executed with lube."
— Bill, 33, New York, NY

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