Tuesday, August 12, 2014

The Canyoneros, A Squirrel-Stomping School Bus Destroyin' Type of Film (And a Matter for the Courts)

Today's Movie Minute is some obscure bit of cultural detritus called THE CANYONS. It's a lot like THE HILLS except deeper get it.

Bloated with Botox and delusion, Lindsey Lohan plays a down-on-her-luck actress who is deeply pathetic and washed up--and she's terrible at it! IRONY

"Ricky! Waaaaah!....." 

Her boyfriend is James Deen, a rebel without a boner. He plays an utterly reprehensible douchebag. He's very good at playing his role. HMMM.

 "Fuck those WWII veterans. WE are the greatest generation!!

The Cinemax-level dialogue lets us know that Lohan and Deen love each other. They love each other so much that they invite random strangers to come over and make the sex with them. Meanwhile the viewer winds up longing for Elizabeth Berkley, if not Dustin Diamond....

 "Hold on, babe, I lost my phone in your Botox...."

Strangely, Lohan was not comfortable doing her many, many sex scenes in the movie. In one she rocks the granny control-top hose, and hides her withered old body in disco lights

"Who wants to take a hit of Metamucil with me? ANYONE?!?"

She cheats on Deen, which is perfectly understandable, even though she is his future wife and Johnny is his best friend.

 Paul Schrader directing

Everyone starts to get very, very bored. At one point the cast loses the script and just stare awkwardly at each other. The viewer stares back awkwardly. It's a great improvement.

By the end, Lohan makes the brave, brave choice to fully disrobe. Seeing this, Deen leaves her to continue his affair with various produce items he has the hots for.

Ann-Margret, everyone!

THE CANYONS proves that there's a fine line between porn and garbage. And what a fascinating line it is indeed. I look forward to more internet-funded cinema treats. Thank you, Kickstarter!!!

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