Yeah, That's Dan

Dan works at the library with me. I think it is high time I made fun of him the most courageous way I know how: behind his back, on my blog, smirking like a jackass.

He's a cowboy. He wears black boots, black jeans, and a battered, stained cowboy hat. His face is red and craggy and pitted, and wiry piss-yellow hairs sprout around his mouth and a bush of pubic hair grows on his chin.

He is a man of routine. At his side is a cluster of keys that go jingle jingle all the fuck day long. He blows his nose all day. Dry, unproductive squeaks. His keys jingle. He's 64 and should retire but can't because of his financial problems blah blah and his goddamn grandkids living in his house. His keys jingle. He doesn't give a shit about anything except the Rockies and drinking his wine and getting through another goddamn day in his goddamn life. His keys jingle. He rarely bathes, his hair matted down, and he wears a house coat covered in cat hair while at work. He doesn't give a shit. His keys jingle. He doesn't give a shit about you, either. Did you just die? No problem, he'll step over you on his way to the reference desk. He has to finish his shift, you know.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF DAN THE COWBOY:

*snore*

*alarm goes off*

*pulls on black jeans over unwashed tighty whiteys*

*jingle, jingle*

*drives his shitty 1979 VW Bus with holes in the floorboard*

*rrrrrrrr, holding giant boat-sized steering wheel*

*arrives at work, grunts*

*jingle, jingle*

*blows nose*

*loud piss in staff restroom*

*eats lunch in break room, masticates loudly*

*blows nose*

*jingle, jingle*

*retrieves Indian blanket from locker, stretches out on couch, snores under faded baseball cap*

*alarm goes off*

*grunt*

*jingle, jingle*

*blows nose*

*jingle, jingle*

*loud piss*

*day over at last, drives home, rrrrrrr*

*jingle, jingle*

*SHUT UP THOSE DAMN KIDS I'M WATCHING ALEX TREBEK*

*drinks wine*

*guzzle, guzzle*

*blows nose*

*jingle, jingle*

*collapses in bed, snores*

*alarm goes off black jeans over tighty whiteys jingle jingle rrrrrrrr grunt blows nose jingle jingle chew chew blows nose loud piss jingle jingle snores alarm grunt jingle jingle blows nose jingle rrrrrrrrrr jingle jingle SHUT UP TREBEK wine guzzle guzzle blows nose snores*

*alarmblackjeanstightywhiteyjinglejinglerrrrrrrrrgruntblownoseSHUTUPjinglejinglechewchewblownosejinglejinglerrrrrrrsnorrregruntloudpissjinglejinglerrrrrrrrrrrrblownosejinglejingleSHUTUPguzzleguzzleblownosegruntsnorejinglealarmsnoregruntjjjjrrrrrpisspissgruntgjuusnrruungngoddamnfurrrrrrrjinglejinglerrrrrrSHUTjinglejinglesnoreguzzlerrrrrfungzzpisssrrrjrun*

REPEAT EVERY GODDAMN DAY FOR FUCKING EVER, THE END