Death Turd

Today's Movie Minute is the deathless classic, DEATH BED: THE BED THAT EATS.

Our story concerns a bed that eats. In fact, it eats so much it gets an upset tummy. I mean, crap factory. I mean, mattress reflux.

"Then I'll need an Alka-Seltzer after digesting this glass bottle..."

The stomach-pounding excitement continues as a priest is called in to exorcise the bed, but he fails and gets eaten. Ho-hum, just another cannibal bed movie...

Talk about bed head!

There is a bored guy trapped in a painting and he "explains" what's going on. We learn that the bed has a shoe fetish because he hates Imelda Marcos (are we still making jokes about that?).

"I'm a shoo-in for an Oscar!"

Some naked women come by wanting a good night's rest, but they set their sleep number too low. Or too high. Either way, they get more sleep than they bargained for. By that, I mean they get eaten by a bed.

Joan Rivers, everybody!

Meanwhile we cut to scenes of old women reading what's happening in the Thrifty Nickel.

"Finally! A news story I can get interested in..."

In the end, our hero tries to rescue his girlfriend and finds that contemplating his eaten hands will give him something to do for the rest of the seventies.

"What if THIS is reality??"

My only disappointment is the lack of sequels. I mean, if X-Men can have them why can't DEATH BED: THE BED THAT EATS??

Here are a few for Hollywood producers to take note:

   *  Cannibal Corpse Carrot Peeler

   *  Trite Dryer: The Dryer That Eats Socks

   *  Insane Clown Shower Curtain

   *  Kill Murderer: The Killer Who Murdered

   *  The Salad Shooter That Tossed Your Salad Against Your Will

   *  The Toilet That Eats Your Ass

   *  The Brave Little Toaster That Became Evil And Refused To Toast Your Bread Properly

   *  Casey Kasem Voice-Activated Dildo

   *  Uncomfortable Chair: The Chair That Refused To Be Ergonomic

Ehn, maybe not. Let's put this to bed.