Friday, May 30, 2014

Dating Tips

Remember back in school when you had a coach screaming at you to run faster or hit that softball harder? Remember all those turds in your pants? Well, it turns out that people were looking at you. And judging you. And you know what? You suck.

But don't feel bad. There are professionals who will take your pin number and tell you how inadequate you are. These professionals asses assess how their clients dress, act and roll bits of cheese on their hairy bellies in order to optimize the return of Zosima the Auroch, a pagan deity from my ass.

A date, you see, is a performance. Sort of like Nic Cage on sodium nitrates, but without all the choking noises. But this got us wondering: What kind of insider advice do these coaches have to offer our readers? We decided to find out--and our results are here for you to use (and hopefully get your pancake griddle soaking wet).

FIRST RULE: If you like someone, don't be afraid to show it on your first get-together. Say things like, "Hey, love your webcam show LOL," or, "Show me your tits?" Aloof or reserved behavior conveys disinterest and a police record, not that you could afford a second date anyway. Not everyone wants to sleep in a pile of trash.

"If you're on a first date and you're hard, the best you can do is show it! Take them to a quiet, romantic spot and unzip your magic. What's the worst that can happen? Unless you're really tiny. I mean, that's just weird, right? Okay, I take Mastercard or Visa."
--Rhonda Findling, M.A., dating consultant ( and author of the bestseller, Don't Call That Man: A Survival Guide to Letting Go.

SECOND RULE: Always keep your first few dates short and sweet to avoid veering into awkward conversational territory or violations of Geneva Accord conventions.

"Scheduling a short date sends the message that you're busy--which makes you wonderfully interesting--but that you're still willing to deign to see that person. Having them kiss the ring on your finger always works, especially if you're the Pope!"
--Katherin Scott, dating coach and author of ABC's of Dating: Simple Strategies for Dating Success!

THIRD RULE: Keep the conversation comfortable by focusing on really listening to what your date has to say, even if most of it is complete garbage. To ease tensions, offer to chew the gum that you just stuck in their hair. That way you get close--and also chew some gum!

"A lot of times, when you get nervous, you start talking about Jesus. Then you make these gulping noises and breathe hard through your nose. I mean, you really should stop doing that. How does Jesus not throw up on you constantly?"
--Zohar Adner, NYC-based stress/relationship coach and author of The Gift of Stress -- How to Get that Last-Minute Blog Post Written

FOURTH RULE: Giving a specific compliment that points out something weird about your date's dandy pubes or elephantiasis will leave you both feel good, providing you're mainlining Benzedrine.

"One key I emphasize to my clients is the power of the half-nelson. There's interesting research that shows a person who gives a half-nelson experiences a rush of euphoria while choking the life out of their date. Then run like hell!!"
--Tonja Evetts Weimer, M.A., MRCS, ACC, relationship coach, award-winning columnist and author of Get That Acronym!: Transforming Your Life Through Self-Important Degrees.

FIFTH RULE: Show genuine interest by asking questions about their funeral plans because you never know how much you agree on coffin styles.

"The biggest complaint I've heard from women is that men don't crack their knuckles enough after they use the shitter. I mean, always make eye contact when you hear that first crack. And then the second, too. The third? Ehn, who cares. What are you, the Knuckle Cracker Champion of the world? Get over yourself."
--Michael Geudinan, author of some book you'll never read

So there you have it. Happy dating! And keep biting into that ol' poop apple!

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