Outside Online recently published Michael Behar’s take on the Trader Joe’s in Boulder, in which he called it a “preservative shit-show.” I went to the Trader Joe’s on Colorado Boulevard in Denver today and here are the reasons I will not go back:
- They have someone directing traffic…in the parking lot. Actually, it’s two people. No joke. It’s always packed, so good luck staying in your cortex while finding a place to park.
- The store was constantly on fire.
- It is 4.3 miles to Trader Joe’s from my house versus .8 miles to King Soopers.
- When I was a kid, my mom would take us to King Soopers and we always had a free cookie from the bakery. Kings snagged me young with the cookie trick and I will always have warm fuzzies when I shop there because of it.
- They tried to sell my children into sexual slavery.
- The cheese selection at Trader Joe’s is lovely. It is pretty good cheese and perhaps it tastes even better because it’s less expensive. Day-to-day, though, I am not a cheese connoisseur and my shitty Kroger mild cheddar works just fine.
Trader Joe's fancy pants gruyere and my shitty but adequate Kroger mild cheddar
- Trader Joe’s Organic Corn Chip Dippers brags about containing just three ingredients. News Flash: Real Fritos have the same 3 ingredients, save the organic part. Plus, they taste better. If I die a painful death 5 years before I’m supposed to because I didn’t eat organic, oh well. Marijuana is legal now, so I’ll smoke that to dull the pain while I eat my real fucking Fritos and bean dip, goddamn it.
Don't shit in my mouth and call it a Frito, Joe.
- One of the main reasons I shop at Kings is because they give back money to my kids’ school, to the tune of $10,000 last year. Every time I go in there begging for stuff for the school, the manager gives me a $20 gift card to help out. They support the community and have for a long time.
- As if to complete my crappy parking lot experience at Trader Joe’s, as I was leaving today some asshole loading a case of two buck chuck into the car next to mine said in a crabby tone, “nice parking job.” Well, I did park a little crooked but was well within the lines. Being somewhat like George Costanza in my comebacks I said, “I’m within the lines and you’re being rude” but he had already walked away. If any other middle-aged pussies loading cheap wine in their perfectly aligned parked cars want to toss snippy commentary my way, at least have the balls to wait around for my answer. You know what you can do with your two buck chuck (I wish I had said that).
- Mongolians in hockey masks try to tickle you.
- Kings gives out free donuts the Monday after a Broncos win. Free donuts.
Almost everything they have at Trader Joe’s you can get at King Soopers, except the trendiness. I and the busloads of old folks from nearby nursing homes hope to see you soon at King Soopers.