Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Starshit Poopers

In today's Movie Minute we have a movie that glorifies not war, but pest control.

Written by Orkin, the movie encourages us to sign up for a monthly contract otherwise... well, you don't want bugs eating your genitals at night, do you?

"Everywhere I look I see dick or boobies. I'm so confused! Deliciously so!"

Boot camp fits a metal jacket on these grunts, but what they really need is a liberal dousing of DEET. Amirite?

"Mmmaggh fugghhhhagh maamamm!"

The soldiers ship out for an alien planet suffering from the worst infestation in the galaxy. As any entomologist will tell you, when the cockroaches get Giza-sized you have a problem.

 "Go ahead. Start a nuclear war, see if I care!"

There are no gun control laws in this movie. In other words, PARADISE

"Stop making pew, pew noises. Just shoot, damn you!"

The bugs start to win, and we learn that patriotic unisexual showers only take you so far when it comes to battling big bugs belligerently. And a bee bit my bottom.

 "And yet... this is better than being married to Charlie Sheen! Aarrrgh!"

The soldiers must use their ingenuity to outsmart the bugs. They fail, predictably.

 "Shhh, Negro. I think I hear something!"

In the end, the humans use a telepathic SS officer to combat the queen roach. He's Hitler's favorite Tony award presenter. Ach, der quips!

 Reichkommandant Neil Patrick Harris, everybody!

This is the kind of sci-fi that makes Flash Gordon look like a symposium on the quantum mechanics of Finnegans Wake. (God, I'm high. Colorado, everybody!)

"Yeah, society doesn't accept us. But one day it will! One day it will, little buddy...!"

Brought to you by Orkin. Have you tried Orkin today?


  1. Hey, was this you?


    1. Yeah. This blogging stuff is really getting stressful......