Signs You're Turning Off Your Mate

Sometimes we take a perfectly good relationship and sodomize it. Hindsight is 20/20, but wouldn't it be nice to avoid all that anal bleeding? If you're guilty of any of the behaviors below, you may be to blame for being a ruiner:

1. You've been acting like a green-eyed monster.
It usually starts out innocently: You breathe heavily into the phone and the police are called. But what happens then? Sure, you've got your lawyers and bolt cutters. But greasing up your naked body and taking selfies is not the answer. It's in the Bible, people.

How to stop doing it: The best way to curb feelings of jealousy is to buy one of those Japanese sex ponies. Low on cash? Steal from your girlfriend's parents! That'll show her. Them.


2. You've co-opted your partner's life.
If you've been dating someone for less than three months and you can answer "yes" to any of these questions, you're busted for having appropriated someone else's life. Question #1: Are you really into Project Runway now, or did you just shave your pubes as a joke? Question #2: Do you find yourself warming up the raspberry lube in the microwave, even though you're Amish? Question #3: Would you say that dressing up in blackface and crashing the latest Tyler Perry movie premiere is really great?

How to stop doing it: Just be yourself, as ridiculous as that may be. It's a simple mindset change, but you have to trust that people will see through your bullshit all the time. And stop sticking your fist in your mouth and setting all those fires!


3. You're rushing the relationship instead of living in the moment.
Stop with all the knife pointing! Do you really think that will get you a husband? And you're a guy, on top of that!

How to stop doing it: You know those tigers Siegfried & Roy have sex with? Get one of those!


4. You're being too clingy.
Star Trek is a television show. I think we should watch it together. Seriously, don't make me get my knife. Get back here. I'm serious as fuck.

How to stop doing it: I was just kidding about pressing that knife to your throat, babe. Honey? Damnit. People just can't take a joke, or a punch to the gut. Romance is hard.


5. Everything you say is driven by your own insecurity.
"That lampshade made out of human skin is just no good." "My chest hair has too much dried blood on it." "My ass smells like eggs." All of these phrases have one idea behind them: "I hate myself." And there's nothing wrong with that! Why aren't you married already?!

How to stop doing it: Step 1: Stare into the eyes of your best, and only, friend.

Step 2: Stop sobbing, and start stalking!


I'll be at Shotgun Willie's tonight, folks--it's Large Lady Twerk Off! See everyone there!!