Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Bee Mine (And There's A Picture of a Bee)

Today's Movie Minute is freshly squeezed from the buttock cheeks of a heart. As Neil Diamond used to sing, "Turn on your heartass!"

VALENTINE'S DAY masterfully interweaves the stories of a dozen sitcoms into a heady brew of trite. Ashton Kutcher gets dumped by Jessica Alba, only to wind up kissing Jennifer Garner's giant wormy lips within twelve hours. I wonder if Demi Moore has seen this?

"Oh! Are you in this movie too? (Blecccch.)"

All the stories take place on Valentine's Day. The phrase Valentine's Day is repeated several hundred thousand times so the viewer at home won't feel lost.

 "Dear God, where are the snakes on this plane to save me from having to talk to him?"

Jessica Biel hates Valentine's Day. She even made a banner advertising that fact. Maybe if she put out more she wouldn't be so alone. AMIRITE

"Ha, ha, I hope no one can see me pinching my velvet bean under this table!"

Not to be left out, old people (gross) and little kids (yum) also take part in the precious romantic follies. Here li'l Dennis the Menace puts some anthrax in his true love's love pouch.

"Allah Akbar, sweetie."

Taylor Swift is in this too, wearing her very first training bra! Her boyfriend is played by Taylor Lautner, also in his first training bra! No doubt, these two will be relevant FOR YEARS TO COME.

 "Okay, you hold Snuggles down while I peg him, heh heh."

Jessica Biel gets a secret valentine, which is from that little kid in the other picture up there. Turns out it's Justin Timberlake in a time machine! Didn't they do that plot on Charles in Charge?

 "Sure, this will fit in my giant horse mouth, but should I......?"

In the end, everyone learns the true meaning of genital warts.

"Okay, wait, you want me to stick this sceptre where....?"

Now I have to see the eye doctor because of all the compulsive eyeball rolling. And the silent tears. (Thank God for my chocolates, Yankee candles, and pocket pussy.) 

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