A veritable vortex of suck, otherwise known as DESTROYER OF MOVIES, Johansson puts on a pair of glasses and acts neurotic in her best (worst) impression of Woody Allen. Dull-witted and insipid, she struggles to mouth her lines like a bag of cheetos stuck to an adult theater floor.
"I'm pretty. Pretty vaaah-CUNT."
The plot is a tiresome rehash of MANHATTAN MURDER MYSTERY, a bad film in its own right, but at least Diane Keaton can act her way out of a bag of Cheetos. Ian MacShane plays the ghost of the curse of a reporter who returns to explain the plot--and to threaten Johanssen if she ever acts again.
"If I ever see your cocksucking face on the cocksucking screen again..."
He's not much of a ghost since he can't just read ahead in the script and tell her who the Tarot Killer is and end the movie then and there. Oh well, let's kill another seventy minutes with Hugh Jackman's hunky heterosexual body, shall we?
"Hello, I'll be naked a lot, lot more than the hot, dumb chick. What else is wrong with this film?"
Woody plays her father/lover (the role he was born to play) as he splutters around her smooth alabaster skin and beestung lips and pert ripe breasts. The guy can't catch a break!
"Horrible."
Ian Macshane returns one last time to hear Woody say that he sees everything as half-full--of poison. How dare he plagiarize a famous poem!
"Shut your cocksucking plagiarizing mouth right now, cocksucker."
"Who saw this coming! I'm wearing glasses!"
But the greatest absurdity is the characters looking at newspapers to get their info. Have they not heard about a little something called Ian Macshane's ghost who uses the internet to solve crimes?
Jeesh. A second bad Woody in a row. Next Week: Annie Hall!
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