Thursday, October 17, 2013

Dealing With Rejection

Rejection is never fun. Comfort yourself with a) the harshly worded “thanks, but no thanks” that some poor guys got, below, as gathered in a recent survey, and 2) a bump of crystal meth, high cut.

We asked Dr. Lillian Glass, Ph.D., communications expert and author of I Know What You’re Thinking and He Says, She Says to assess these women’s excuses. And for once, guys, it might really be them... and totally not you! But it probably is, assholes.

Turn-down #1: “I was told that I’m too neat. Neat?!” - Gary, 56, Toronto, ON

Interpretation by Dr. Glass: “What a mincing homo. I mean, come on. Who's neat anymore?! We have the internet now, people. Wake up!”

Turn-down #2: “She didn’t think her father and I would get along.” - Curtis, 43, Jacksonville, FL

Interpretation by Dr. Glass: “That's because she's having sex with her father. I mean, hello? Let's get real, people. Wake up! I can hear you breathing! Hello!”

Turn-down #3: “One woman told me I was too intelligent for her. Sure.” - Ray, 37, Raleigh, NC

Interpretation by Dr. Glass: “Pulling on your nipples while you rub your balls on the ottoman can be a real turn off for women. Turn on, I mean. Damnit, I keep getting those terms messed up. Freshen me up?" *holds out whiskey flask* "Don't be a dick."

Turn-down #4: “A woman told me she was probably going to be too tired the night I asked her out... but she told me this two days ahead of time.” - Kevin, 41, Dallas, TX

Interpretation by Dr. Glass: “Time is purely an illusory concept, in case you haven't heard. I mean, don't be an asshole. As Zen Buddhists say, what did your face look like before you put that conditioner in your hair? Probably pretty pissed. I mean... come on. So tired."

Turn-down #5: “A woman I liked said she wouldn’t date people born the same month that she was.” - Greg, 22, Wilmington, DE

Interpretation by Dr. Glass: “Maybe it would work if you weren't also sixty years apart. Up top." *holds out hand*

Turn-down #6: “A woman told me that her car broke down and gave me a big, long story about what was wrong. Only problem? I have a car and could have driven her. Plus, I’m a mechanic.” - Wally, 20, Chicago, IL

Interpretation by Dr. Glass: “Plus, maybe you should stop trying to put your penis in her butt so much. Not every woman likes a penis in her butt. So, guys, listen to me when I say don't keep putting penises in your lady's butt. I mean, hello?”

Turn-down #7: “She told me she had to go buy the donuts for her Cheaters Anonymous group. Point taken.”
- Greg, 32, San Diego, CA

Interpretation by Dr. Glass: “She's the best!!! I hope you're dating? What? You're not? Man, just when you've got the whole dating scene figured out.” *rushes out of Denny's without paying*

Well, I hope this was helpful, men. And you too, ladies! (But not the hermies.) (Or the Irish.)

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