Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Blech Jasmine

BLUE JASMINE has a 91 approval rating at Rotten Tomatoes and should probably run for congress. I do not agree. But who am I to disagree with Chuck at Ain't It Cool News and Michelle Thoon at WKAC in Duluth, Minnesota?? Well, I have jokes. Wait. I don't have that either.... Damnit....

This movie is about people from Woody Allen's imagination. Now, it's not a big surprise the Woodster is tone-deaf to working class folk and how they live, which apparently consists of watching the local sporting contest, flushing toilets, and eating pizza in a belchy sort of way.

"Why, we're just a couple of blue-collar slobs!"

Okay, well and good. But surely Woody knows all about the high life, how the wealthy live, yes?

"Dahhhling, show me your Tiffany bone."

But, no, you learn nothing from this vapid movie except that rich people like to shop for white clothes, drink white wine spritzers, play tennis in all white, and be white.

Thanks to long stretches of gratuitous expository dialogue (yakking to an old woman on a plane), we learn that Cate Blanchett was married to Bernie Madoff

"Of course I have cuff links. What am I, a farmer?"

and has to remake her life in a blue-collar slob city like San Francisco.

"This enormous woman will devour us all. Aiiieeeee!!"

Why not Duluth, eh? Lubbock? Globeville....? Oh, wait, San Francisco is purty to look at. Woody is challenging himself as an auteur, at least. 

Being deeply unpleasant, Cate Blanchett drives all the gays crazy. Even Armistead Maupin!!

"This is some smooth malt liquor, homies."

She orders teakwood vagina scratchers in the Williams Sonoma catalogue, and has a nervous breakdown. In that order.

"I'm sending away."

In the end, she winds up with the man of her dreams.

"Mary, Mary, quite contrary, get ready for the heater/
I'll beat you good in my new wife beater!"

Maybe Frank Sinatra should have fathered this instead? THINK ABOUT IT

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