Thursday, May 16, 2013

Tips For Successful Online Dating

Listen up, guys--if you're wondering why you're not getting as much interest online as you'd like, let's take a closer look at your profile. Here's my list of seven common mistakes men make, and, if you're guilty of any of them, use our quick, gal-friendly fixes to get the online spooge you deserve.

Profile problem #1: An unappealing username
Avoid handles like "successfulguy" or "downtoearth68" because who would believe that? Woman know you are full of shit, so you might as well let it projectile from every orifice!

Female-friendly fix: Usernames like "mommydiaper" or "welloiledtaint77" or "rapist" will enhance your profile immediately--and your pants!

Profile problem #2: Posting a resume instead of a profile
Mentioning how you mowed lawns as a kid, and now as an adult, is really not the way to get chicks (unless you work on a poultry farm). Sure, scraping diarrhea from the bathroom stalls at the airport tells a prospective date that you know how to get shit done, but women want to hear about your emotional side too. Don't have one? No problem, just say you have Asperger's! LOL

Female-friendly fix:
Aside from a few funny anecdotes about finding feces in the shape of Swoosie Kurtz, leave the chit-chat about your 9-to-5 for the grinding agony of marriage. Instead, focus on what you do when you leave the office--shake out the cramp in your shallow-grave-digging hand!

Profile problem #3: Sounding too picky about your match
Chances are, when you type in the ideal age, height, and build of your perfect match, you're overlooking how their skin as a lamp shade may not match the rest of living room decor. I mean, THINK FIRST, guys. So always ask for a skin swatch before you get too far in the dating process. It only makes sense.

Female-friendly fix: Don't demand they put the lotion in the basket on the first date, or they get the hose. Also, try to hide your prosthetic limb(s). They can find that out later in the sack! *nudge, nudge*

Profile problem #4: Negative comments about past relationships
Don't talk endlessly about the "one that got away." That's for the police to worry about. Instead, focus on the right three-hitch topsail knot or those handcuffs with the funny spring-lock.

Female-friendly fix: Turn any of your negative statements about corpse-eating into positives. Instead of saying "The thigh is my favorite part," which translates to, "I'm a picky eater," try, "I love all of you, from your eyeballs to your toe meat." P.S. Save the details about your exes until the plea bargain phase.

Profile problem #5: Breezing past the essay section
Playing the silent, psycho type doesn't translate well online. Even if it's meaningless jibber-jabber or you're speaking in tongues or channeling Chthulu, fill up that essay section! Women want to know you are utterly insane, and that you like to cuddle.

Female-friendly fix: Stop putting pressure on yourself to conform to "society." It won't work anyway. Let your readers know about the voices in your head, about the blank times after a "date," and your plans to open your own stationery shop with cards made of organs.

Profile problem #6: Posting a shirtless photo
This is actually not a problem. In fact, try to show as much of that delicious chassis as you can, men. And show off a lot of pube action too. Dyed pubes shaped like a juggalo? All the better!

Female-friendly fix: Let's face it, guys, not every woman wants to know about your inches, but most of them do. This is where the metric system comes in handy: advertise that you have a 25 centimeter "monster" and watch as your readers run to the conversion tables, panting! (Describing your shaved balls won't hurt either.)

Profile problem #7: Being overly romantic
Women love romance, right? Wrong. They want to be tossed around like a rag doll--and not one of those kiddie ones either, a full-size one. So emphasize your upper body strength. That lets your readers know you can throw them like a can of garbage clear across the alley!

Female-friendly fix: Work on those lats and those delts, men! Get 'em until they pop out those squiggly veins and be sure to lather them with scented oils. Then shave your eyebrows, get scrotal implants, and have THUG LIFE tattooed on your chest. Now you're ready for love!

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