Thursday, February 7, 2013

Life After Reggie

"When did you stop believing?"

"Are we going to have this conversation again?"

The library was closed. Reggie hung in his usual spot by the circ desk, killing precious moments on God's green earth as was his wont. My random tapping on the keyboard did not deter him from talkin'.

"You were a believer at one point, I know you were. I want you to come back. God wants his son back... Aren't you scared about dying?"

"Right now? No."

"You don't think there's life after death? Come on."


"But don't you want to be remembered? I can't believe that all this knowledge, all this..." Reggie motioned at his pudgy body. "All this will just be gone. I can't believe it."

"Do you really care if someone remembers you, especially if you're in the eternal kingdom of heaven? Oh, oh, hold on a sec, Jesus and Abraham Lincoln, I'm getting something on my monitor here. Wow, look at that, someone I've never heard of, some random sonofabitch, is remembering me. Oh, happy day."

"Is that your idea of heaven?"

"Talking with Jesus Christ and Abraham Lincoln, yes. And maybe Anna Nicole Smith."

"I feel sorry for you, man. You're too down on things."

Reggie took out a thin green marker and started rolling it under his eyes.

"What is that?"

"My girlfriend gave this to me. It's some kind of anti-wrinkle thing. See, you roll under your eyes. She wants me to be young forever..."

 "Mm. Are you sure she hasn't put that in her--" *two-tone whistle*
"Look at me. Look me in the eye. I am the great Reginald Canada--Super Soldier and Lord of the Living Lightning! I'm 59 and I have a hot girlfriend. Do you see these jeans?" Reggie stepped back daintily. The skinny jeans had creases down each leg. "She does that for me! Irons everything of mine. And let me tell you, the first time she brought home another woman for me to have sex with I almost cried. I couldn't believe it. She wanted to give my cock a present, she said."

"Is this story suitable for children? Or anyone else?"

Reggie came closer, his baritone radio DJ voice diving an octave lower. "Listen. Let me tell you something, she wasn't jealous a bit. She was pushing on my ass while I was fucking that chick. 'Fuck her, Reggie!' she was saying, pushing on my ass. And then she rammed her finger in there while her friend was sucking away on my pomegranate-flavored condom."

"It's like you died and went to heaven."

"I've been doing some paintings again. Pornographic paintings. Yeah, yeah. I'm doing that again. I did one of the threesome I just had."

"Why don't you do self -portraits like me?"

"Hell, if I did that--the world wouldn't be able to handle it. They'd see my dick on the ground and just be amazed!"

At that point I ran to the doors and opened the library early. Then I kept running.

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