Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Dinocroc o' shit

Hey, have you ever wondered who would win between a Dinocroc and a Supergator? No? Well, today's Movie Minute, DINOCROC VERSUS SUPERGATOR, insists on answering your unasked question anyway. And with extreme prejudice.

Our movie begins when the local community theater closes and all the actors must continue earning a living since the post office isn't hiring. Fucking Obama.

I have to admit this movie was kinda lame. I mean, who would have thought that a movie called DINOCROC VERSUS SUPERGATOR would not be especially good?

The story starts idiotically, and STAYS idiotic throughout to the end, so at least it was consistent. We learn that an evil scientist (aren't they all?) has done some science-y stuff to some alligators and crocodiles. The reptiles get really super big and harbor a super-sized appetite for F-list actors. Here's the Dinocroc eating an office temp. Spreadsheet this, buddy! Heh heh.

Not to be outdone, the Supergator also eats people. If you know what I mean by eat, people. (Wow, what an orgasm!)

The all-star cast is led by Rib "McNugget" Hillis, who shoots first and acts later.

Later in the movie, Rib loses his safari hat. Ha, you're not so tough now without your safari hat, are you, Rib? ARE YOU ANSWER ME RIB

It all ends with an epic showdown between the two CGI programs. There is a fatal error, and the programs need a reboot along with other computer humor I am not qualified to write.

I have to say I've seen better CGI in the gay strip poker game I used to play on my Commodore 64 back in the Roaring Thirties. Wait, did I just type that aloud...? Never mind. Scratch that. Meanwhile, we have David Carradine as the bad guy who...

Oops. Looks like he didn't make it. Well, we'll always have Rib.

To its credit, the movie at least ends honestly. The last line is: "Glad that's over with."

And, finally, I would like to close with an open letter to Roger Corman:

     Dear Roger:

What happened to the titties? Do you remember the times when we had the titties? Yes, the titties are still present--but they are covered with bikini tops and various nonseethru fabrics. Something is very wrong here. I fear that others have convinced you not to have titties, or perhaps you have lost interest in titties, or titties for the sake of titties are more expensive now. Whichever it is, please bring back the titties.

     Your fan,

     Ass Man

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