Wednesday, January 2, 2013

The Black Hole (Not the Montana Fishburne Kind)

We kick off the new year by receiving a kick in the gut by watching THE BLACK HOLE.
I was joined in this cinematic atrocity by Andy, who relived with me the time we walked to the theater to see this turd burglar (all kinds) of a movie back in 1931. Afterwards we got a phosphate and talked about Taft's daft economic policies.

You'll see that his mouth is slack and eyes without focus after having watched this a second time. Indeed one could say his soul was sucked into the event horizon of deep boredom and all that is left is a shell of dull anger. Thanks, Disney!
But enough of my gab. Let's get to the robots!


Wait, not technically a robot but more of a Benedictine monk tweaking on street-grade meth. Kids, don't do drugs. Or join a Benedictine monastery.
Our villain is a bearded man who whispers to shiny mannequins in the hope that they will turn out to be Kim Cattrell and love him. They will not.
Just as Andy's eyes were becoming as glazed as a Christmas ham in a sauna, Mark Hamill comes to save the day with a really cool laser gun that shoots TWO lasers at once. Hence TWICE the action.
By the end, we learned an important lesson about black holes being bad or something. Also, we found ourselves all the wiser after having our 12-year-old hearts broken by cynical movie executives trying to cash in on Star Wars. So, having just learned that Santa was not real, our disillusionment was completely complete.

We're all grown up now! Right, Andy?

1 comment:

  1. I just found out that Adam Ant was neither an ant nor named Adam. I think "The Black Hole" has sucked away the last of my innocence and now all that is left is to be some demon out of Dante's Inferno. Which coincidentally is the fantastic ending to "The Black Hole. (The Montana Fishburne Version)"

    And really after 30+ years of pondering it, I still can't figure out why that one robot had a southern accent.