"Man, I haven't seen you in a while. How have you been? What did you do over the holidays?"
"Man." Reggie shook his head. "You need to get out there, son. You need to, excuse me, you need to get laid. You feel me?"
"What kind of life are you living? My girlfriend and I..."
"The dripping bathroom tap won't listen to itself, you know."
Reggie waved his hand. "I don't want to hear that. You need to get a nice lady, like my girlfriend, she..."
I looked off wistfully. "Though sometimes I wonder what my future wife is doing at this very moment. Most likely, she's just being born."
"Listen, all night long my girlfriend, who looks like Cristina Aguilera, you know, the bootylicious one...
"She brought over her friend and we had a good ol' time." Reggie looked around and lowered his voice. "I'm telling you, I used those flavored condoms. One was candy-cane, and the other was frankincense."
"It's a Christmas miracle."
"It was! At one point we were under the mistletoe just going at it, all three of us, you know? and so my girlfriend was sucking on my dick while her friend was going to town on my ass, just licking away back there like a champ."
"I thought sex made baby Jesus cry."
"My girlfriend has this real juicy clit. Did I tell you? It's so big and thick, like a piece of sirloin. You know? So the both of us were slurping and moaning on it and singing Hallelujah into it..."
There was only one way I could make the sound of his voice go away. I took my new Waxvac(tm) I got for Xmas and jammed it into my ear--
(It was worth it.)