Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Dogging It Out There

Something is wrong here. This week's Movie Minute, BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA 3, does not end like OLD YELLER, as it should. Oh God, as it should.

In fact, none of the dogs get even a rolled-up newspaper slapped across their computerized snouts. I mean, is this really the America we want to live in? What's happened to our country??

As a personal aside, I walk my mom's dogs every week. One dog is large and bi-curious, the other is a twee one with the name of Boogie. Every time Boogie goes poop, his little red boner slides out. He must REALLY like pooping. The point is, I have enjoyed watching Boogie go poop much more than watching this film. And Boogie doesn't sass me with a Taco Bell accent, either. Just quietly poops and pops a rager. Boogie = American Hero?

George Lopez heads up a litter of adorable pups who unfortunately suffer from CGI Mouth. Yes, the mouths move expressively and creepily, but the dog bodies are stiff to the point of taxidermy. But, hey, puppies.

Mr Lopez, having failed as a talk show host, decides to become an Olympic swimmer. And a dog. And gay.

The plot is explained to us by the Three Dogs of the Apocalypse (Rev 3:25).

However, the plot needs no explaining as it does not exist. Instead we get lots of puns about "pee-mail" and joining "pee-Harmony." It becomes clear the movie was made by cat lovers. They are surely enjoying a mean-spirited laugh as dogs everywhere are being euthanized after the release of this movie.

But to return to our suspenseful story: George Lopez makes out with a skank he met at the toilet...

And then he joins a bathhouse for some leather cosplay. (No little red boners slid out, however. Maybe they should poop? Quietly?)

We kept waiting for the dogs to gather around a table and play some Texas Hold 'em. But NOOO. They had to say and do cute stuff instead.

Oh well. It could have been worse.

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