Thursday, December 20, 2012

A (QVC) Christmas Miracle

Mom and I were celebrating Christmas early at the Greasy Bible on Highway Nine, two towns over.

"I got you something," Mom said. She pushed a wrapped gift across the sticky table. "Merry Christmas."

"Gee, thanks, Mom." I opened it and stared at the box, my face suffused with tremulous confusion and gratitude.

"Uh....... Is it a sex toy?"

"Of course not! It's for your ears."

"Oh, so it IS a sex toy, then."

"Don't be silly. It's a vacuum to keep your ears clean. I have one too. They were selling them on QVC so I thought I'd get one for you also. Don't you like it? They're not cheap, you know."

"So are you saying I have dirty ears?"

Mom pouted. "I'm sorry I got it for you. Just give it back to me if you don't want it. I can give it to one of your brothers. Though they don't deserve one, either."

"No, no, it's great. I like it. I'm just surprised, is all."

"I saw the ad on TV, and it looked really interesting. This man jabs a cotton swab into his brain. That's when he realized he needed the Waxvac 3000 System."

"Is that really a problem? People injuring themselves with cotton swabs?"

"Yes! Haven't you seen the commercial? The man shouts OWWWW. Because of the Q-tip in his brain."

I picked up the box and looked it over. "Well, thanks, Mom. If nothing else it'll keep me warm in bed at night with certain ideas and stuff......"

I shut my eyes, tilted back my head....... "Yeah, baby! Get that dirt out of your dirty, dirty ear...! Unnnnngghhhmmmmm."

Mom stared at me as I emerged from my brief fugue-like state of waxvac-inspired fantasy.

"I never know what you're talking about."


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