Penelope Cruisin'

For the second time, I tried to post my cruise review on CruiseCritic.com--but once again it was rejected by philistines! Greg has been imperial enough to grant me some space on his blog so I can get this vital information out to all the people in Turkey.

After our previous douche-cruise, we decided to roll the bones again and try a different cruise line for spring break. Norwegian was so 2015 (and, frankly, we got sick of the nightly Knausgaard readings). 2018 is the year of Royal Caribbean and the (previously) largest cruise boat going.

The Oasis of the Seas promised a magnificent floating city with all the luxuries you'd expect to find in a modern metropolis. It has:

• A central park with vegetation and occasional wildings
• A promenade filled with shops, bars and Seurat enthusiasts
• Five pee-heated swimming pools
• Roman J. Israel, Esquire
• A cruise director embroiled in a sexting scandal with the port shopping expert
• Towels folded to look like extinct animals
• A zip line, Putt-Putt golf, Ping Pong and an ice rink
• Jews
• Sizzling steaks and creamy cakes!
• Hobos begging for buffet scraps lol

Yes, the Oasis has it all--but don't you dare call it a boat! This is a mother flipping SHIP

It's a Carousel! And we're from Canada!

Even with 6000 fellow cruisers, (water)boarding was as efficient as German sex. We deftly bypassed questions regarding active diarrhoea by feigning ignorance of the meaning of that spelling. And as Bill Clinton taught us all, what does "active" mean really? 

After a terribly slow, decidedly untasty first dinner at the Main Dining room, we elbowed a hobo in the throat and ate the rest of our meals with the hoi polloi at the Windjammer Buffet. Much higher food quality and lower incidents of "active diarrhoea" ensued.

Stop flushing those damn VW Bugs!

For entertainment we were subjected to various shows:

• Comedy Show -- Two decent comedians. Much better than the magician on our previous cruise who was much funnier than the comedian on that cruise
• Headliner Show -- A bankrupt man's Penn and Teller. Juggling, jokes and jock-itch-ularity
• Aqua Show -- Speedo clad divers and a disturbingly vague narrative thread
• Frozen in Time  -- Ice skating! On a boat! Best part was the sand painter who didn't skate
• Come Fly with Me -- A Cirque de Bijou knock off with aerialists, gymnasts and singing not fit for a karaoke bar. They had a routine set to U2's Vertigo where the singing was so wretched that no one even recognized it as a U2 song

For our shore days we did the following:

• St. Maarten -- The Amazing Race. We ran around Philipsburg completing tasks such as annoying the natives and each other
• San Juan --  Toured the old town and loved the vibrant local [REDACTED BY TRUMP ADMINISTRATION]
• Labadee -- Learned about rich Haitian culture by ziplining over a private, guarded beach

Next year we're thinking of going to San FranciscoLand. Maybe we'll touch a hippie?

Thanks, Andy! Now back to our regularly scheduled Pat updates......