Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Cruisin' for A Tom Cruise

Today we have guest blogger Andy...

I tried to post my cruise review on CruiseCritic.com but for some reason, it was rejected.  Greg has been kind enough to give me some space on his blog to get this important information out.

“Party like a Norwegian,” said the pamphlet.  I don’t know many Norwegians, but they must be a Nordic race of super-douches.

"What time is the gay porn shoot, brohan... er, trivia, I meant to say?"

I quickly gathered that there were three types of people aboard the “Good Shit Lollipoop.”

1. Old folks
2. Douchebags
3. The morbidly obese

I flatter myself to think I was a member of all three groups.  However, after eating 21 straight meals at a buffet named Most Everything Here (or MEH) I fell out of category 3 and into “just obese.”

The pool was kept at a wonderful 60 degrees making sure only the most Inuit and foolhardy would get in.

"WATCH OUT!! The slide has one exhilarating turn!"

The entertainment was trumpeted as “Vegas Quality Review Shows.” Unfortunately, this referred to Las Vegas, New Mexico.  Nights at the theater consisted of:

1. Russians contorting their bodies until uteri (it’s the plural of uterus, look it up!) were visible.

2. Comedians more interested in relating how they were bullied than actually telling jokes.

3. Magicians who were much funnier than the headlining comedian.

4. A “wholly original” show named “Cirque du Bijou” that invoked the imagination, provoked the senses and evoked the emotions of people around the world using music and acrobatics. I actually cut and pasted that description from some other, unrelated troupe.

5. A show called “Club Band on the Run” that consisted of off-Broadway washouts singing songs from the 70’s.  Most of the old folks on board could be heard murmuring, “I think that’s Queen!”  Really?  You think Queen sang, “Bohemian Rhapsody?”  No shit, Matlock! (The actual living Sherlock Holmes from the 1870’s was on board. He enjoyed the bland buffet fare.)
Prior to a show, a semi-autistic member of the entertainment staff would whip the old folks into a frenzy by doing a non-erotic hokey pokey.

"Tonight's Show Presented in Color!"

Onboard there were some free upgrades available.  Nickel and diming has been upgraded to sawbuck and Frankling you.  Want some bottled water?  That will be $125 for 6 bottles!  Want to play Bingo?  A special sea-day $10 discount and now one card costs only $40!  Want to eat some food that isn’t an insult to Rachel Coleman?  Kindly fork over $25 a person!  Interested in some wifi?  Fuck you!

Lest you think the cruise was all bad, here were a few highlights:

1. Zip Lining (On shore, not on ship)

2. Cave Tubing (On shore, not on ship)

3. Various towel animals created by our cabin steward

4. A trivia victory over a team of douches

5. Scuffleboard (Shuffleboard with body checking allowed)

6. The kids got to pilot the plane home

"Which button starts the dual carburetors?"

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