Black Panther... Sorry, African-American Panther

Today's Movie Minute is another saga from the WWE universe, wherein men in tights make catty remarks and scowl meaningfully at each others' tender vittles before engaging in kung fu.

This would be an excellent spot for a Bauhaus joke.

(Wait, did I write that out loud?)

Between spells of unconsciousness I managed to piece together that the movie is about a kingdom in Africa called Wakawoozle which possesses an abundant supply of  "Starwarsium"--a magical substance that adds plenty of ham and wood to the acting and makes everyone's costumes queer.

"The kingdom is out of table cloth, but it was worth it!"

Atop this technologically-advanced society is an absolute monarch who rules with a calico fist. He sits on his throne and listens to people explain what the movie is about.

"Guards! Seize him! And, er, change my litter..."

When he feels frisky, the king gets in his gimp suit and goes a-peepin'.

"Pay me no heed, ladies! Carry on with your bubble bath.

I COMMAND IT AS YOUR KING."

Once he's rescued by the local fire department, he goes on the prowl looking for adventure. It turns out the king is just as bored as the viewers, but much sexier.

"Mmmgg... can't breathe... seriously... help... meeow?"

Because Starwarsium has infinite merchandising potential, lots of sneering bad guys want it. The leader of the bad guys goes to the gym a lot. Which, now that I think about it, makes him a bad guy--and me a really, really good guy?

"I have the entirety of Nicholas Sparks'

The Notebook etched in Braille on my torso. Ladies?"

This triggers more parliamentary procedure and tribal councils wherein it's agreed that a tariff on Hello Kitty! thongs will be imposed.

"I'd join in the conversation but, you know...

(Damnit, where'd I put my tremendo-vat of Carmex??)"

Meanwhile the king sees a red laser spot and gives it chase in a thrilling scene of suspense. Got it-- almost! Got it-- almost! Got it-- AW FUCK There it goes!!...

"Seriously, I can't breathe... Some Afrin,

at least?... Guys?... Losing consciousness..."

The king dies, but then in a shocking twist doesn't. He's kept in snow, thereby making the world's first soul snow cone. (Really wish I could've found the image for that five-star joke.)

In the end, the two main hunks go at each other in a display of homoerotic voguing but without Halle Berry vamping in the background. (Note to Hollywood: let me write a movie!)

"I've run out of cat-themed jokes! HELP ME!!"

At least a new genre has been created: blackpanthersploitation!