Guns, Germs, And Steal (From Tarentino)

Today's Movie Minute is GUNS, GIRLS AND GAMBLING. Since I really like two out of the three advertised items, I should like this movie 66 percent!!! (Wait, maybe I should check my math....)

Let's check off the first box (it's a bullet list, GET IT).

Uh-huh. That guy has a GUN. Now the title is coming into focus.

Here's another guy with a gun. Sure, it's Dane Cook, but he has a gun, so that's okay, too. It's called a THEME, people. Look it up.

Ah, now here we have a midget with TWO guns. Man, this just keeps getting better and better. *checks non-existent watch*

YES!!! Here's a woman with some guns. This is coming together nicely---

Whoa. Wait, wait. What is he doing here? This can't be right. Beyond delivering deathless lines like "Read 'em and weep" (while gambling) and "Elvis has left the building," our man Christian Slater is the glue that holds this horseshit together. Which is to say, not at all. But he must persevere however he can. He is an ACTOR.

Early in the film we thrill to the sight of Slater getting hustled off the set by studio thugs.

"We asked for Crispin Glover, asshole!"

But, alas, he doubles back and continues on with some sort of tomfoolery that involves a parliament (or is it a murder?) of Elvis impersonators. These Elvises have stolen an Indian mask known in Hopi as MacGuffin, and a whole bunch of people you would happily see die die trying to get the mask. The viewer desperately wishes to fall asleep, but the gunplay keeps us miserably awake and blinking tears.

Eventually, Gary Oldman wonders what happened to his career as he tries to escape the movie and fails.

A crapulous Slater becomes convinced that Oldman has been shrunk down and is being used as a lamp figurine. The film spends the next half hour as Slater pokes tentatively at the lamp hoping Oldman will react, or at least shoot him.

"Greetings and salutations, Gary! I know you can hear me...!"

Everyone dies by the end including the viewer's hopes and dreams. So there's that, at least. Now if we can all get a petition together to ban Christian Slater from making movies. Won't our do-nothing congress do anything?!?