Reggie's Advice For The Single Man

"Listen to me, son, I got one piece of advice for you. Look me in the eyes."

"Mm?" I looked up from the book I was reading. (Little Women)

Reggie stood over me. "Listen. You got to lay good pipe, son. You hear me? Lay good pipe."

I thought for a moment. "You want me to be a plumber?"

"No! Listen to me. I was at my lawyer's yesterday. And you know what this lady asked me? We were in the waiting room and she came over to sit by me and she asked if I thought it was okay to have sex on the first date. She was fine, too. Nice figure, big breasts. Really good looking. She just came over and sat by me in the waiting area and started talking to me. And I wasn't looking like I do now. I was dressed nice. I smelled good."

"I'm lost. What does this have to do with laying, as you say, pipe?"

"Good pipe. Listen. This chick that was hitting on me was married. Her husband was in with my lawyer. When the guy came out, this big fella, I was like, whoa. I was glad I didn't yes to her proposals. But listen, married women love to cheat. It's in their nature. They like to nest."

"I'm still lost. What does nesting have to do with sexual promiscuity?"

"I would never cheat on my girlfriend, though," Reggie said, staring off. "Naw. She gives me everything I need. She brings home women for me. The other night she was telling this chick how to suck my cock. I was just leaning back, humming Shaft to myself."

"Gonna lay me some pipe tonight... (Shut your mouth)"

"Sounds divine."

"But you have to get some too. You've got to polish it and get out there."

"Polish it? You mean like shoe polish? You want my penis to go in blackface?"

"What?"

I stroked my chin. "I guess it would seem larger then."

"But listen. You've got to shave down there too. No woman wants her face full of your slinky hair when she's sucking you."

"So I should at least shave a deep V in my pubic hair?"

"And make sure to lean in when you fuck her. Like this." Reggie arched his back. "You see? Make sure you're giving her the right stimulation. Uhhhn. Just like so."

"I am not a virgin. And this is not a teen sex comedy."

"Just listen to me. Lay good pipe."

"Well, you certainly have been--if I'm understanding the terminology right. You have ten grandkids and--"

"Eleven."

"Right. And your oldest grandkid is twenty. So you could become a great-grandfather at any moment! And you're only fifty-nine!"

"No, no, no." Reggie shook his head violently. "I told him he better not get any girl pregnant. We've all told him that."

"So you told him not to lay good pipe."

"He can beat on his little drummer boy all he wants, but not that."

I looked at the staff lounge clock. "Oh, thank God," I exclaimed. "My break is over."

Next Week: I ask my manager to cancel all breaks, please.