Shitnado

Today's Movie Minute is SHARKNADO. Enough said!

Wait. Do I need to say more about this? But I thought enough had been...

Ecch. All right. The movie is about hurricanes and tornadoes selectively sucking just sharks out of the water and dropping them on Los Angeles. How does this happen? Global warming. Why are sharks attacking everyone? Global warming. Why is the acting so bad? Tara Reid. I mean, global warming.

The hero is some guy doing a Keanu Reeves impersonation, badly, like everything else in this crapwich. He keeps trying to get people to understand that a SHARKNADO is coming to kill us all. But will people listen?! Noooo. (Can't really blame them. If someone shouted in my face about a coming sharknado I would assume it was a new entree at Red Lobster. And then I'd run like hell.)

"Whoa..." 

The SHARKNADO brings Keanu closer to his ex-wife and his dumbass kids, etc etc. I have a few ex's myself, so where's MY sharknado so I can have a touching reconciliation? I'm not even asking for a sharknado, necessarily. It could any number of natural events, such as a:

• Crabicane
• Dolphoon
• Grizzlybearunami
• Lobsterquake-and-toyota-sales-a-thon
• Cafeteriafishsticks
• Charlietunatransgendersexshow
• Accuweatherforecastastrophe
• Salmonrushdie

Meanwhile our heroes (a term so loosely applied it's no longer English) must shove a buffet table into the maw of a rubber shark in order to get more of those cheese biscuit things they give you at Red Lobster god I'm high.

The sharks are rather amazing, I must admit. I'm not a sharkologist, but I don't remember learning in school about sharks flying out of the sky to bite people. Maybe that was an elective?

"I sure hope the bus doesn't have a lot of sharks on it. One or two I can handle, but..."

By the end the whole damn sky is raining men! Wait. Raining sharks! That's even better, I think. As long as they're cute. And hung.

I must give credit to the ending for being about the dumbest I've ever seen. Turns out Keanu has a chainsaw when he gets swallowed by the flying shark, and not only does he cut himself out of the shark's guts...

But the girl who was eaten and swallowed whole(!) also gets cut out of the same shark!(?)

Our imaginations have just been beggared. Beggared and then busted by the cops for sleeping on a park bench past curfew. *Cue Jethro Tull flute* Is it any wonder Bizarro Woody Allen and Bizarro Soon-Yi were watching this?!?

A proud moment in our nation's history. Tears blind me as I type this.