"This is my day off," Mom dirged, for the thirtieth time. Chris was driving and I was in the back seat. "And I need to get a garden hose. My old one broke."
"What? You need to get what?"
"Hose!"
"Wow! One usually suffices for me. But that's Mom--keepin' it gangsta."
"What are you talking about?"
We got to the Chattanooga Park and Playbarn and watched as graduating seniors declaimed into microphones not unlike Mussolini on a good day about saving the whales and reaching for the stars, etc etc. At the end of the ordeal, Dylan came over in his cap and gown to collect his cash prizes. Mom, Chris and I eagerly pushed our gift cards on him as we edged toward the exit. Denean hugged Mom and then asked if she was coming to the party. Let's catch the action now.
"Oh, I'm sorry, dear," Mom said, blotchily. "I won't be able to make it."
Denean, thunderstruck. "What? Why not?"
"Because..." Blotchily-er. "Because Greg has something going on this afternoon, and..."
Denean found me. "Are you not coming to the party?"
"Uh, no. I guess not. Mom, you know..."
"Your mom said you had something to do this afternoon."
"Uh..........." I reached down deep inside. "Yeah....?"
"Yeah? Yeah what?"
"Sorry, that's all I've got."
It was only natural that Mom would use me as her excuse, since I am lame. But, still. Couldn't she have checked with me first and gotten our stories straight? Something to do with the import/export business? Anything! I appropriately got mad at Mom, and as a punishment made her go to the party.
"I just need to get a hose," Mom keened as we drove to Longmont. "This is my day off. I never get to do anything I want to do. Why does this thing have to be so far away? Why is there traffic? Just put on my grave she--"
"It's okay, Mom. We'll just stay for a little while. I promise we won't need to do any gravestone engraving."
"I'm sure I'll be left alone," said Eeyore. "As always. You boys will be chuckling and laughing about whatever, and I'll be sitting in a corner being ignored, as usual."
"Well, you are boring."
"I hate this. I just wanted to get hose today!"
"I wanted them too, but sometimes we have to do things we don't want to."
After we left the painless party, the needle of pain was dropped back on the record.
"I need to get a hose. And now it's getting late. It's almost five o'clock!"
"Can't you get hose some other day? Like when a convention comes to town?"
"No! You promised me! You promised that if I went to that dumb party you'd help me get a hose today!"
"No, I promised there would be no gravestone engraving. And I stand by that."
"What?"
"Hose!"
It turned out we weren't far from Dad's house in Hygiene. What better place to get free stuff than at Dad's? He was like a living avatar of the Giving Buddha.
Chris punched in the gate code and we drove silently up to the compound. Then, over Mom's muttered objections about being left alone and ignored again, we giddily hopped out of the SUV, doing a serpentine through the grass, and made it to the house. After fumbling in the dark, we managed to find a Finnish hose (my favorite) and unscrew it (not my favorite). We were galloping at a crouch, carrying the coiled hose, when a howling sound echoed across the starry night.
"What the hell is that?"
"Sounds like a dog. Or dogs..."
"Shit. He released the hounds. RUN!!"
And that's how we got Mom her GODDAMN HOSE.
Next Week: Reggie Gets Fired (?)
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