The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes But Not A Condom So Now They're EVERYWHERE

Today's Movie Minute is about the radically new science of Texas Instrument Calculators.

10 If boredom then go to line 20

20 Run "I Am Bored" dancing figure of dots

30 GOTO line 10

Who says computer hacking is so hard?

Written by Ray Kurzweil and sponsored by Reebok, THE COMPUTER WORE TENNIS SHOES makes you wish you were learning FORTRAN. Or making jokes about FORTRAN. 

We begin our movie in a computer class. Mr Smolensky is teaching BASIC on a computer so large it clearly represents the entire computing power of the world at that time. When the semester is over, he'll return it to NASA and the Pentagon because children are our future.

Unfortunately, one of these children are Kurt Russell who, not understanding how pornography works, tries to have the sex with the computer, slamming his dick all over the reels and punch cards until the computer submits to his raging lust and puts its evil inside him. And so......... Kurt gets really smart as a result.

"Beep. Beep. If GOSUB 10 then GOTO acting school..."

Meanwhile that ol' crusty dean decides to calm everyone down by serenading the college by crooning some Cannibal Corpse over the PA. It. Is. Haunting.

By the use of computers, the mysteries of the male mind are finally plumbed. See? That's a female woman inside the brain. Who knew?? The best part of having such a big computer is that you can get GIANT, GIANT porn on it. Sure, it takes several weeks to get a dot-matrix illustration of a dog's vagina--but dammit, that's the way porn was and we liked it!

As the plot accelerates, everyone gathers around their televisions to watch O.J. again escape the authorities. Will the Juice ever win??

Cesar Romero is our bad guy with a propensity to fall out of dune buggies. Here he is falling out of a dune buggy. Heh, heh, I can see why we named a holiday after him...

Ed Begley Jr (!) shows up to be a smug prick and beats the computer at its own game. The girl sitting next to him is the only female creature in the entire film. Because girls.... ick.

Kurt Russell learns a valuable lesson about being a computer and wearing tennis shoes. He takes a break from controlling the UN and NASA and NATO while eating a salami-and-diode sandwich.

Buffering.... Buffering....

In the end Russell bumps his head like a fucking idiot and goes back to being a fucking idiot. Poignantly, he puts flowers on Algernon's grave and we all weep a little as the credits blissfully roll by. END PROGRAM