Want To Get Super High? Come To the Library!

I was fluffing and coiffing my curls when a peculiar pungency came wafting from the bookdrop. I went to investigate. Our bookdrop smelled very strongly of wacky hardbacky.

"Is someone smoking marijuana like a cigarette back here?!" I yelled. 

Todd Crane/Payne/Bane came over. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Have you inhaled back there? I think I'm a little buzzed. Or bostled. Or boobled."

"So high. So very high."

"You've never actually been high before, have you?"

"Of course I have! I mean, does black tar heroin count?"

"We'll have to get you high for your retirement party, you slut," Todd said. 

Chambers came over, tired of not being a part of this blog.

"Did someone mention a fat Jamaican?"

"But seriously, we're going to miss you, Spaz," Todd said, using my college nickname for some reason.

"You'll be fine. Besides, I left you with a hologram of me. See? Here it is."

They pretended to look at a spot on the floor.

"See, if you ever need something witty and urbane but never dyspeptic then press this button. A ghost of me will emerge and say stuff. Like so."

A grainy image of me appeared from the spot where Todd got hit with a book (sacred ground): "Obi Wan, you're our only hope," I said.

"Wow, you're hot," Todd said. "I'd shoot a womp rat for you any day."

"Okay, that's enough," Chambers said. He switched the hologram to Ted Danson as Becker. "Aw yeah, that's the stuff."

"Why do women always scream when they're surprised?

Why can't they clutch their heart and drop dead like a man?

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA."

"Turn that thing off! No one wants Becker at a moment like this. Particularly when we're high."

I started to drag in furniture.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm bringing my mom into this post," I said. "Don't worry, it won't be funny."

"Goody," Todd said. He crossed his arms and beardily melted into a pen-and-ink drawing. "Ding dong."

"I won't use our toilets for number two."

I moved in a few old people for scenery. Now it had that special Wind Crest feel. Then lastly I rolled Mom in on her recliner. 

Mom looked around, blinking. "What's happening?"

"I'm saving us an awkward transition in the blog. Pretty delightful and whimsical, huh?"

Mom sniffed. "Why does your bookdrop smell like Seth Rogen's taint?"

"Come on, Mom. It's not believable you'd ever say that."

In her hands were two TV remotes and her iPhone, plus her iPad, fitbit, and digital camera, none of them working. In fact, all of them were blinking 12:00, somehow. She was frustrated, trying to get Disney Plus on her TV screen. While Todd flew into action, Chambers helpfully pointed out there was a Cheeto on the floor. Mom thanked the nice young man, sticking the Cheeto into her fingers as she continued to manipulate the remotes.

"Type in the security code," Todd said as patiently as possible (not very). "Now go back to the home screen. No, the home key. What did you push? What are you doing?"

"What's the password? Oh, my phone. I can't... Oh, this is too much for me."

Mom's Cheeto looked like a cigar held in her fist. "Mom, you're spilling Cheeto ashes," I said. "Can I get you a cheetotray?"

"Your mom is in flavor country," Chambers said, grinning like Becker his hero.

Todd grabbed the remotes and phones and set Mom up to stream four thousand platforms into her cerebral cortex. Blissed out, Mom sat staring at her screen as her Cheeto rolled sadly to the floor.

"Mission accomplished," Todd said. "Who's next? How about you, dirty slut?"

"Er, no thanks. My RCA Victrola works just fine. The sound is so fucking pure. And now for our necessary Reggie update."

"REGGIE!" the crowd roared.

"Boo," Todd said.

"Meat stolen here daily."

I invited Reggie to my retirement party, but I didn't have his number or address or the number at McDonald's corporate headquarters. Yet it seemed he had a Facebook account(!). So I friended him and messaged him. He had no posts, and nine "friends" who all looked like a variation of this:

Hm! I wonder if this is the same Reggie we all knew and semi-liked? Then I scrolled further to his likes:

PORN INSTITUTE--NOW HIRING

Uh, that's our guy.

"Ok, I'm done."

Chambers hopped on his Loomo, his li'l robot friend, and zoomed away.

"Chambers oouuuuuutttt....!"

"Old tech," Todd yelled. "Idiot!"

NEXT MONTH: Farewell, DPL! Hello, Porn Institute! (I hear they're hiring...)

Extra Credit: Leave a comment below on what's the best last name for Todd. 

Crane (weird/mythical bird)

Payne (all the pain he causes get it)

Bane (supervillain, but too on the nose?)