The Spy Who Came Down with a Cold

For comedy purposes I accompanied Todd to the local Walgreen's. He heard you could get an unused dose of the vaccine there. In his organic cotton trench coat and organic cotton hoodie and fedora pulled down over his organic face, he sidled up to the drive-thru window.

"Psst. You got vaccine? Psst. Hey. Psssst."

"Excuse me?" the girl in the window said.

Todd looked around. "Hey. You got a dose. Yeah, yeah?"

A pharmacist in a white coat came over. He looked at Todd's beard with compassion. "Are you experiencing homelessness, sir?"

"Er... yeah."

"Wait, are those organic rags you're wearing? No. Scram. Beat it."

They slammed the window shut.

"Fuck."

I stood nearby for some reason. "Looks like we won't get the vaccine before we let the dirty public into the library."

"What are you, the narrator?"

Instead of getting vaccinated, Todd did the next best thing: he bought a 360 degree military-grade Contra-Septic BioTube with air holes in the lid.

I looked it over. Todd stood inside. His beard was folded up against the face console.

"Wait," I said. "Isn't this made of plastic?"

"Don't be an idiot." His voice echoed from deep inside, fogging the console. "It's made of transparent hemp, stupid."

"Ah. That's good, so when all this is over you can make twine out of it."

"Shut up."

"I think all that safety is making you cranky."

An armature swung around, just missing my soft head.

It was time to open. The library, after a full year of closed bliss, was finally allowing human creatures to enter. Hilarity wanted all hands on deck, and to have those hands thickly masked. One of the shelvers by the name of Joy (not her real name) was supposed to come in. Hilarity texted her, asking if she was coming in. Joy finally texted back: I suppose not.

"Seems like people don't want to work in a dank library no more," I said.

"But the dank," Chambers said. "The dank!"

I was stationed at the Mask Enforcement Checkpoint behind my Oxivir Electrostatic Radium Nozzle and Hazmat Disinfectant Shield Cordon. People would come in, I'd spray their faces and then beep the + button. Our capacity for the building square footage had been set by health officials in astronaut bodysuits. The number was calculated differentially by dividing the cosign of the hobo integral. 

The doors opened.

"Oh, God. I'm so scared. I'm so scared."

Nothing. Finally, an hour later, someone came in. I squirted. I beeped the +. A piece of paper blew out. I beeped the -. 

At one point we got up to 1. I was feeling a bit panicked. I called over my manager.

"Hilarity," I said from inside my convex dilithyrium bubble, "there are one people in the library. Should we shut down?"

Hilarity considered the matter behind her quad thicket of mask.

"I better call Central Command," she said.

"Excellent idea," I said. (Heh heh, now I'm SURE to get that promotion!) 

A mom and a tiny two-year-old girl in a leotard approached.

"Do you need to take our temperature?" the mom said.

"Obviously you shouldn't be coming in if you have to ask. Sheesh." I pointed the nozzle. "That way, lady. Out."

The little girl cried.

I beeped twice - -.

They stood in stunned disbelief.

"Mommy, why can't I come in the li-berry?"

"I don't know, honey."

I waved the counter. "Don't make me beep this again!" I yelled from inside my gortex tube.

Finally, they left in defeat. I was feeling like a hero when Todd came over in his MVC (Mobile Virus Cone).

"Mgha hah ghu?"

"What?"

"JHA FAH FUG UHH!"

I waved. "Sure, have all the pie you want."

Just then an old feller with a chin diaper invaded. 

"Whoa, whoa. whoa. Sir! I'll have to ask you to..."

The man held up a finger, his wrinkled face wrinkling exponentially. He turned away to sneeze--which was thoughtful of him--except he sneezed violently all over Todd's Biological SARS Contain Unit. The old man's bloody mucus splattered all over the plastic. The bloody mucus ran down slowly, forming a ghoulish face opening on a scream.

Todd stood in shock. I sat in shock. The old man muttered something. A long silence followed.

Finally, I took up the counter. I saluted, and then beeped the +.