Manifesto Your Destiny

Todd was ready for his big meeting with Hilarity.

"Everything is fine. Just relax, everyone."

As we went down to the Star Chamber, Todd carried his iPad. I found this a bit curious, and I wondered if Todd was going to play one of those video games that are so popular with the young people of today as Hilarity informed him he was bad and hit him over the snout with a rolled up newspaper. BAD! It turned out the iPad had his, ah, manifesto on it.

We sat socially distanced and proceeded to be unsocial. Todd glowered gimlet eyes over his mask.

"So I wanted to talk to you about what happened Saturday," Hilarity said.

"Before we begin," Todd said, "I just want to tell you about a book called HOW TO LISTEN. It's great. You should read it." Todd cleared his throat and scrolled down. "I have some things I need to say." Scroll. "This should last about fifty-three minutes." Scroll. "First, your laugh is the worst thing that I have ev--"

"Before you begin," Hilarity said, "I want to suggest to Greg that he get some masking mask tape. For taping." A frown crease appeared in Hilarity's mask. "You have some sag gaps in your mask. Do you know that? Some Covid could leak out."

I forthwith taped my mask tight to my face. "How's this?"

 

"Mmmph can't breathe will die but keeping safe mggh."

"Better. You really improved your looks. I'm getting lost in your eyes. And the crinkles of your tape."

"Before we begin," I said, getting up, "I'd like to go."

"Sit down," they said.

Todd gripped his iPad like a steering wheel for a ride to... HELL. "First off, I want to say that your laugh is like a baby's coffin..."

"Is someone reading a manifesto in here?" My father popped his head in. "Because manifestos are great. I wrote one myself about fiat currency and in it I reveal how banks enslave people much of it exacerbated from the collapse of a forgotten 1971 agreement between ten nations which expanded opportunities for the sovereign government to serve citizens and its failure to take advantage of them opened the door for mega-banks to make the world money mad, benefitting those controlling colossal capital."

We stared.

Finally Hilarity got her phone. "Security? We have a lunatic in the library who uses anxious alliteration. Seize him!"

As men dragged my father away, I waved, "See you soon, Dad!"

Dad gave me the secret Illuminati signal.

"Anyway," Todd said. "Back to my list of demands. Your laugh..."

Pat came in. He was holding a giant cauldron of chili.

"Ha-chaw!" he said, making a karate chop at us all.

"Chili," I said. "I don't know if it's lunch time yet."

"You'll love it," Pat said. "There are ten kinds of beans in it. And I wrote this essay for the civil rights attorney so they can force them to take me as a forestry major at Montana University."

"Essay," I said. "Wait, this reads like a... manifesto."

Dad floated by across the ceiling.

"Did he say Blue Rose?"

"I'm sure that's a mistake. He meant, Glass Steagall. Far more sexy."

"This meeting is getting strange."

Todd growled behind his beard, his mask, his hoodie. "Can we get on with my list of your crimes? Now, about your horrible laugh..."

"Before we begin," Mom said, "I want everyone to know that I'm feeling good and I don't need Zantac anymore."

"Good, Mom. Your acid reflux was causing depression, which in turn required Xanax, which caused acid reflux which caused fecal urgency. The pharmacist's dream."

"HOO hoo hoo hoo," Hilarity said. "HOO hoo hoo hoo."

"What's funny?"

"Nothing," Hilarity said. "HOO hoo hoo. Hoo?"

"ARRRGH!" Todd charged Hilarity, but men in white coats jumped in to restrain him. "Your laugh!" he screamed. "Your laugh! Oh God... nooo.... that hideous sound...!"

"Hoo hoo."

As they dragged him away Todd continued to yell, "And your keys! They jingle! Your desk, it's messy! And you're a puppet! PUPPET! ARRRRRGGGH!!"

His vegan nails ran across the carpet, the men wrestling and pummeling him as they got him to the door. Just before they got him away, Todd turned to me. "Am I in the blog now?"

"No."

"HOO hoo hoo."