An Angry Confliction

Mom and I were enjoying Tatus at Perkins when I brought out my chessboard and pieces. I was hoping to help Mom attain her grandmaster norm in preparation for the Tata Steel Candidates match in Eindhoven. Mom's ELO rating was currently negative two trillion, but we were hoping to bring it up to the high negative billions.

"Okay," I said, "here's how the pieces start."

"How do the horsies move again?"

"They gallop, and they jump. See?"

Mom scowled. "Okay. But why do we have bishops?"

"I don't understand your question."

"I mean, what's the point of them? What do they do?"

"They move in a diagonal." I demonstrated by taking up a bishop and moving it along in a diagonal. "See? Fun."

"I don't see the relevance."

"But... Can't we say that about all the pieces? The pawns. Look at them. They're just a bunch of punks. Who needs 'em? Do you know what happens when you get a pawn to the end of the board?"

"They fall off?"

I sighed. "No, they become a queen."

Speaking of which, two elderly men walked by. We knew them by sight, most likely both of them coming every morning eager to get eggs. One man wore a tie-dyed tanktop and shorts and gold chains and lots of fabulousity in general. His white hair was in a narrow mohawk parted down the middle and with the sides of his red face shaved. He winked at me as they went to their booth.

Mom leaned forward over the chessboard.

"That man dresses so odd," she said.

"Mm."

"He always wears shorts, no matter how cold it is. Why does he do that, do you think?"

"I don't know, Mom." We had talked last week about them most likely being gay, which had surprised Mom. She wasn't crazy about gay men, especially ones who wore shorts all the time. "Anyway, the horsies like to cavort and gambol and--"

"Is it so he can get it out quicker?"

"What?"

"You know, get it out. For his friend there?"

I started to put the pieces away.

"Are we done?" Mom said with relief.

"In so many ways. Next week we'll talk about how to pick up a piece, with your fingers."

Now for a heapin' helping of GALAXY REVOLT to reach into our shorts and checkmate our groins:

"The time flew so quickly when he was over at Cylorn's, he barely made it in time for Tatus (Their word for dinner)." (5-8)

Late for Tatus? No matter. Just make up for it with a Solomacas (Their word for the two-season change) gift! Don't know what a Solomacas gift is? Neither do I! Stop bothering me!


"Manshune was waited at the mouth of the large cavern, getting a bit worried, as Mothers usaully do." (9-12)

I'd like to excuse the grammar and spelling of this sentence by claiming I had a stroke while writing it. But I was eleven, so maybe I should say puberty hit instead? Then again, I was writing about a mother, so let's not say that either. Let's just not say anything. Ever.


"His Grandmother and Father were waiting at the polished clay table." (13-15)

Grandmother was holding a Sho-Tinkertoy (Their word for beating instrument) and Father was prodding the boning experience (Which was their style at the time).


"W-what-at t-took-k you-ou?" asked a conserned Mother, not particularly talking to Sho-grine, she was mostly hoping ankly and Krranuas, were hearing this angry confliction. "W-well-ll?" (15-19)

Wow. An angry confliction. And not talking particularly to Sho-grine. I'd hazard some sort of psychological interpretation of my young life back then, but... you know.


"Everyone drew back away from Sho-grine, even Manshune drew back considerably. Sho-grine was the most terribly stunned, he couldn't understand what was happening to him. He felt a tingling sense crept over him, chilling right up his back-" (16-23)

What's the second part of the back- ? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT HOW TO GET IT OUT QUICKER