Interview with a Vampire/Shelver

Hilarity and I sat across from the faintly perspiring candidate. As the person droned, I started to imagine what it would be like if they gave us the real answers to interview questions instead of the usual, canned ones. That's right, welcome to the REAL LIBRARY. Where candidates stop being polite, and start KEEPIN' IT REAL *bendy guitar note*


QUESTION: "Why are you applying for a Library Assistant I position at the Duluth Public Library and at the Ruby Creek Branch in particular?"

WHAT THE CANDIDATE SAID: "It's near my apartment, and I like to shelve books."

BETTER(?): "Let me ask you a question: why do you think it's okay to posit a normative experience in the context of a capitalist hegemonic space?"

"Jonah, will you get the hell out of here?"


Q: "As an organization, Duluth Public Library values equity, diversity and inclusion. You like that sort of stuff, don't you?"

W: "Sure do!"

B: "I don't like the Irish."


Q: "What do you need from your supervisor in order to be successful at your job?"

W: "Communication, and periodic hugs."

B: "Clown makeup, yelling, and patchouli-scented hair. But I'll settle for an omelette bar every third Wednesday."


Q: "How can a shelver have an impact on the library's customer service?"

W: "Being friendly and pretending that people matter."

B: "Hiding behind the stacks and then popping out to scream, 'BABA BOOEY!' Also, I'd wear a gimp suit, for comfort."


Q: "What did you like most about your last job? What did you like least?"

W: "I liked most working hard and being a good worker and answering interview questions in the correct manner. The least I'd say was being too good at my job, because I'm just too good. And the rent is too damn high."

B: "I liked most receiving money. The least was not getting money in sufficient amounts."


Q: "Shelving is a very physical job--reaching, bending, stooping, lifting, hunkering, absquatulating, squinching and exflagnuating. Can you perform these essential functions?"

W: "Sure. Well, except the squinching. I strained my squinch last night bloaming."

B: "Are you asking me out?"

Q: "Yes."

B: "Is that a question?"

A: "No...?"


Q: "You've just cleaned up all the toys and books in the children's area, when several children start pulling out piles of books and setting fires. How do you handle your work being undone moments after it's finished?"

W: "I'd be happy to clean up after children. It's what I live to do."

B: "I'd spank every single one of their naughty bottoms."


Q: "The hiring range for this position is $13.30-$15 an hour. Is this in line with your salary expectations?"

W: "Yes. I'm a very sad person."

B: "What is money? And how are bank reserves created?"

Q: "Money is created through a system of meticulous mattress pounding by the Fed. This interview is hereby... Wait. Is that Todd on the phone with a customer? Let's catch the action now."

"I'm speaking as loud as I can, sir," Todd said. "No, I'm NOT problem, fucker. You are. Maybe you should get a hearing aid. Hello?"

Todd turned, beaming. "He hung up on me!"

"You got the goods," I said in a deep voice.

"What?"

"In rock n' roll terms, it means 'You're hired.' When can you start?"

"I quit."

"And with good cause."