Ave Atque Vale

Today this blog is seven, and very sexy. Somehow.

(Back when I was using Pantene and Jheri Curl.)

Seven seems an appropriate age to have a white Plymouth LeSabre back over your tanktop-wearing skinny boyself. Yes?? YES!! But before we have our exceedingly dry-eyed farewells, let us recap all the laughter and lunacy and lechery and lugubrious dryer lint of the past slevin years.

YEAR ONE:

2012, when a young Joe Piscopo taught us all how to love again... Reggie gives me great advice: Just lay good pipe, son... Mom's turd burglin', not the good kind... We didn't start the fire... Going to the Bank of Dad. Withdrawal denied.

YEAR TWO:

Then, suddenly, 2013 crashed into us out of the blue and we were all doing jazz hands and hired hands in the field... Lots of Galaxy Revolt. Still waiting for my movie deal. Or at least a recommend from a reviewing agency... Reggie telling me about his girlfriend's "juicy" "like a sirloin" clitoris... My 100th High School Reunion and boweling... Reggie pinching some woman's clit so it'll "pop" for one of his paintings... Reggie gets fired, even though he didn't start the fire...


YEAR THREE:

In the year 2014 we wondered what it was all fo-or... Mom not understanding my free and liberal use of the word cunt. Because I don't have a woman. That's my problem... Pat telling me about his cussin' bird, and other intersexual adventures... Todd rubbing his face with a nice warm family cloth, ahhh yeah... and then his ass... Karen... Jonah... Ed blowing and blowing his elephant nose... Cerebral palsy--is it funny? Uptown girl, she's an uptown girrrl!... "After breakfast, the dishes were in the dishwasher. Lust exploded. Robes were dropped. He entered her on the kitchen table. They let lust rule the day agreeably pounding the mattress all night long until exhausted." ...Super Crow. Caaaw!


YEAR FOUR:

A special supercrow turned fifty in Vegas in 2015, muy grande banana and chi-chi's... Chris Cooper not amused... Reggie pays me back my money because I am a racist ha ha... "A GIANT PYTHON falls on him, smashing him to the hull"... Riffel as Boy Hitler in his greatest role... Cuz he's the pee-yano man!... LIBRARY: The Novel... The Ride... A Petaluma adventure and my eroticism for the same goddamned sandwich every day... Plastic Santy Claus climbing and climbing that ol' ladder...


YEAR FIVE:

Then the calendar said 2016. It was always burning since the world's been turnin'... An idle conversation about Lawrence Welk turns ugly when a book whirls through space and time, striking a bearded man in the chest, controversy EXPLODING like lust... Becky (shut up, Becky--oh, now I think of my retort!) tells me to stop bloggin' about Karen... Shut up, aw never mind... Library Bracket, Coral's bathtime stories... Todd's gas... Karen screaming FUCK FUCK FUCK, stomping turquoise filigreed boots... Trip to Montrose! Find Ouray where robes were dropped and lust ruled the day back in '61... Cat's in the cradle, we didn't light it but we tried to fight it... Karen writhing on the stage at Steck Elementary, get excited for reading, kids!!... Pat karate fighting Mexican toughs, mariachi dancin' into the night until EXPLODING with transvomit... Saying goodbye to Ed, much wailing, gnashing, renting... Jizzing on laptops at the library wheee... Justkidding begins brutal reign of kidding around... Todd not caring for her Halloween bullying...


YEAR SIX:

2017 was a year that came a year later... I go to Hawai'i to escape Karen, didn't work! And it was still rock n roll to me... A rumpa pum pum... Jonah pretending to be vegan for Zani... Todd farting on a customer... and then a patron, for good measure... Thanks so much!... Mom and Dad spitting into a DNA tube, cloning boy Hitler... Then off to London with Mom for high tea and low spirits at the ER and wondering who is Rita Ora?... North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe... Justkidding raging and upping her Zoloft dosage, for this relief much thanks... Karen hobbling, hoarsing... Blog-favorite Jay making his blog debut... Trip to NYC and writin' conference to learn not to drop your g's when writin', oops... A circus holocaust of dental failure... (speaking of great writing)...


YEAR SEVEN:

And, like, 2018 arrives, the years just keep coming! You may be right, I may be crazy!... Genealogical adventures, finding Mom's kinfolk... 95 is a lot of old! Aunt Enid almost hanging up on me... Justron debuting, and then breaking the staff dishwasher, the Jew! (Where's boy Hitler when you need him?)... The skip meeting where nothing was skipped except our dignity... Karen doing vaudeville routine by mixing up the ol' am and pm ha ha!... Jonah accepting a gentrifying hippie's failure... Pat wrestling in alley with rottweiler, punching, blood everywhere. Then showing me his rifle to shoot said dog. Not getting a whole lot of declensions done... Andy craving more Pat in his life... Karen's sad last, abrupt, last, gone days, last a loved a long the...


YEAR EIGHT

Then the calendar flipped over and-- Whoa! It's 2019! Fire uptown girl piano man blah blah... And just like that Justkidding abruptly also left, no kidding... But her Twitter lives on!... Karen's retirement party, Jeff hot for Karen, his tombstone teeth wanting to sink into her sirloins mm yeah... until an exhausted dawn... Advent of Hilarity, unvent of Bathroom Stalin... Jonah Fumin... Brazil and all the weird words they have down there... Justron leaving, poignantly cradling Mary Oliver... Chambers confused... Todd promoted to Tragus Inspector... Jonah gleefully ripping book in half... Riffel... Dad... Tyler... typing this last post... didn't... start fire...?

Fuck Billy Joel.


So that's it. Thanks to the internet for allowing me to clutter its HDMI cable with my putrid insipidity. Now I'm thinking of moving on to vlogging. Or vloggin'. WATCH OUT PEWDIEPIE!!

Bye.



Paul falls to his vegan knees. "NOOOOOOOO!!"