Shuffle Walk With Me

An eerie sound filled the library...

Fshhw fshhw fshhhw...

With a chill of horror we realized the shuffling feet belonged to our old librarian coming back to work a shift at Ruby Creek.

"I'm back. *coff coff* Great to see everyone." 

Dan wanted those coordinates (paycheck). It had been twenty-five years. Or three. Whatever. Not everyone was completely thrilled to see him.

"Hello, Dan."

And yet all the clues were there. The cosmic riddle of the on-call schedule, the dancing IT dwarf (Evan), the stuffed white horse from the children's area, all of it wrapped in... plastic. The HORROR.

"My log tried to warn you, damnit!" Ed said,
"Wait. Did I? What year is this...?"

Fsshwss fsshwwsss fshhwwhhss... shuffled Dan's feet as he shuffled from the desk to the other desk and back. Hair dreamily long, he wore a black floral-print shirt and skin kissed by the Mexican sun. It was as if no time had passed at all.

"Got my Indian blanket?"

Dan gruffly-mumbled-talked with me, and then turned to Todd.

"Hello, Todd."

Todd said nothing. The tense, awkward moment continued for a few beats (Brian Polk drummed on the table) and then I resumed prattling to fill the charged air. Finally, Dan shuffled off.

Beard aflame, Todd was simmering in his own rage juice.

"The fucker throws a book at me, and now we just let him come back here?!"

"Don't worry," I said. "I'm on the case."

I sat down and enjoyed a slice of huckleberry pie.

Todd crossed his arms. "Are you supposed to be Agent Cooper?"

"Yes. My chin is quite manly."

"Not in that shirt it's not."

I plucked at it. "What's wrong with it? I mean, besides the huckleberry stains?"

"It's made of plastic. Just shit plastic shit garbage hanging all over you."

"Yeah," I said. "I guess I really am a hero."

"When are you going to stop letting Mommy buy your clothes? She's got you by the balls--just pulling you everywhere by your fucking balls. Allow me to demonstrate."

"Ew ew ew, this is you as Mommy yanks your balls! Ewwguuhh!"

Jonah in background: "Don't include me in this! Aw hell..."

Balls feeling weird, I decided to do some more detective work. Justron was just back from getting his coffee. His story checked out.

"Mmm mmm mm!"

Not waiting around for the obligatory Mary Oliver reference, I went to the Break Room Lodge to see if there were any clues as to why Dan was back and why he was still alive. Most of all, I needed to see if he had those coordinates (Jimmy Buffett concert tickets). On the whiteboard was a chilling message

"If you take those four slashes you'll be able to form Bob. Or a square."

Behind me I heard an eerie hissing aquatic voice. It was the water cooler speaking to me in mystic bubbles and off gas.

"Dan... *blub blub* is a... toolllll..."

"I knew it! Dan is a tool! That's just what we need to get rid of him once and for all."

By then his shift was already over. He was shuffling for the door when he stopped to get a tissue. He started to blow. And blow. I fell to my knees, gripping my head.

AIEEEEEE!! NOOOOO