See? I can do funny puns, too! However, I'm missing a certain panache. A certain inept Austrian mangle. A, shall we say, a molestation of the English language that will get me movie deals and the office of reichskommandantfuhrer of California. (Maybe I should put down this mushroom...)
"You! Are you really seriously going to watch this??
Well, freeze your boner! (new phrase that will soon take off)"
In 1997 we were all treated to BATMAN AND ROBIN, the world's first gay superhero movie. Sure, the dynamic duo were predated by C3PO and R2D2, but finally Hollywood was ready to depict a loving, committed gay couple who fought for justice and antiques.
"Can't wait to do the batusi with my boy wonder tonight.
I wish someone would explain to me what I mean by that."
Beyond the panting homoerotica and nipple synergy, we are introduced to a pair of men who, uh, spend a lot of time together being ambiguous.
"Mmm, time to repair the Batmobile, if you know what I mean...
(Bruce Wayne isn't the only one who needs a cold shower)"
But as a counterpoint to all this delicious heat, we get a long, sloppy snow job from a villain who will make your blood freeze with boredom.
"Ah squeeze my turrd to make diamond ha ha."
(Why do I have a Scottish accent)
But wait, there's more! Come on, don't leave the room.
"You tell one more joke, I swear I'll plant my foot in your grass."
Cool Hand Puke teams with Poison Ivy from the B-52s, and Nacho Bain from the WWE. The action is di-vine. But wait, there's less! Batman and Robin team with Alicia Weird Lips!
"Erp. I should have pushed away from the bat table."
Okay, so the action is pretty intense. But let's not overdo it. Frozen Dinner has his wife in storage, and this makes him soft and poignant. You see, he's really doing all of this (not sure what) for the sake of his true love--and the raging icicle in his pants.
"Honey! Do you know where I put the Ty-D-Bol?? Wait."
So then there's a big scene. And some other scenes. People dance around, and stuff. And then the Mayor of Whoville shows up and Oompa Loompahs have sexual relations with Justin Diamond. (Remember, kids, always know your dealer.)
"Yes, those are ferns in my pits, and I am glad to see you."
In another plotline, Batman has a butler and it seems he's too weak and exhausted to chafe the dishes anymore. He's sick and dying and only Tim Burton can save him.
"If you are watching this, it means I have left the movie."
Did I mention all the 'splosions? There are lots. At one point, Batman and Nipple surf a neutron explosion in deep space for charity.
"HOLD ON, LI'L BUDDY! THE PROFESSOR
WILL USE HIS COCONUT RADIO TO SAVE US!"
In the end, everyone has their careers ruined. Or should have their careers ruined. Now that I think about it, no one actually had their careers ruined, unless you count Coolio or Jesse Ventura. Nope, not even them. Gold stars all around!
Don't bother searching Two Bat Dicks One Bat Chick on YouPorn.
Not worth it.
My hovercraft is full of eels, Mr Schumacher. My hovercraft is full of eels.
I give this movie two stainless steel nipples. Out of five.
You have too much time on your hands.
ReplyDeleteThat's not all I have on my hands.
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