C Minus Minus: Breen There, Drone That

Today's Movie Minute delves into the mobius-istic fractal-tastic vortex-va-va-voom of brilliant cinema that is Neil Breen's FATEFUL FINDINGS. Was I fated to find this? You tell me, dear reader. You tell me.

Dead-eyed women, laptops, Neil Breen... All systems GO

The movie begins with two naked eight year olds who are married

and then get divorced--this breing only the first of many Shakespearean tragedies that come at the viewer with delta force.

"I'm off to Alpha Centauri. When I get back

I'll be thirty years younger than you!"

Now fully grown and puckishly handsome, Neil Breen fulfills his destiny by hacking into government secrets with his extensive array of laptops (every hacker knows that the more Sony laptops you have, the more hacking power you harness) and also writing a bestselling novel called A Great Seduction.

"I'm hacking into government secrets! We'll have sex later, okay? Sheesh."

Having hacked into government secrets, Neil Breen gets run over by a Rolls Royce and then slow dances in the shower with his wife while bleeding from his facial gauze.

"Kiss me, you fool."

"Just let me make a little tongue space in my gauze..."

Beyond all the government secrets, what really makes the movie work is Neil Breen's charisma.

"I'm not creepy."

Meanwhile Neil Breen has a friend with the extremely unlikely name of Jim (I mean, come on), and after hacking into government secrets he finds that his friend has killed himself. Or did he?!? (It's a secret to Neil Breen.)

"Oh GAWD oh GAWD why did he do it?

Was it the government secrets??"

Neil Breen just can't believe it. Was it because his friend had the ridiculous name of Jim?

"So much blood. Must... breathe... through my mouth..."

I only have one quibble with the movie's plot. It turns out that Neil Breen has the ability to pass through solid walls, as he does with his formerly eight-year-old lover.

"Keep your eyes closed, honey. Don't want you

to see Eminem taking a nap over there."

But if that's so, couldn't Neil Breen just go into the Pentagon itself and get government secrets directly without having to use all those laptops? Well, just a nitpick. Otherwise: FOUR STARS (on a google star scale).

In the end, Neil Breen calls a press conference and exposes the government secrets.

"The building behind me sucks, people.

I'm an architect so I know. Listen to me!"

In the end, this leads to incompetent politicians and bank presidents reacting accordingly, because of all the government secrets. Meanwhile the viewer is so traumatized that they must be held.